


Gardener of Eden

by Katef



Category: The Sentinel (TV)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, First Time, M/M, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-10
Updated: 2019-05-08
Packaged: 2020-01-11 02:17:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 35,670
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18420774
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Katef/pseuds/Katef
Summary: Post TSbyBS, Blair tries to go to the academy for Jim's sake even though he knows it's not truly doable.  It doesn't take long until he is forced to accept that there is no other answer to the problem of keeping Jim's senses a secret but for him to disappear without trace.Will Jim realise what his attitude and fears have cost his guide and himself?  And has he left it too late to try and mend the chasm between him and the one person who means everything to him?





	1. A Grave Mistake

**Author's Note:**

> Although my compulsion to 'fix' TS usually results in stories that diverge from canon before the dreaded 'Sen Too', occasionally I try a Post-TSbyBS fix. This is the latest effort. I hope it works for you! :)
> 
> Kate x

**Gardener of Eden Katef April 2019**   


**Part 1: A Grave Mistake:**  


**Cadets’ Dormitory, Seattle Police Academy:**  


Blair sat disconsolately on the edge of his bunk bed, elbows resting on his knees as he studied his right hand. The appendage was wrapped in a thick support dressing that reached from his fingertips almost to his elbow, the severely dislocated wrist just the latest of the reasons why he had become a frequent visitor to the academy clinic in recent weeks. It couldn’t go on, and he knew it. It wasn’t just the physical pain that had gotten to him, but the mental stress of knowing that he had made a huge mistake. Again, just the latest in a long line of mistakes, but he had finally gotten the message. 

It was time to give up, and not just for his own sake. 

Sighing deeply, he rose a little unsteadily to his feet, still a little woozy from the after-effects of the deliberately vicious throw that had literally floored him once again during the latest unarmed combat session, but resolute now that he had made up his mind. His attendance here had been a drastic error in judgement from the get-go, and he still couldn’t understand why Jim, Simon and the rest of his remaining friends in Major Crimes could ever have believed that it was doable. He had known that is was nothing but a pipe-dream, but he had gone along with it simply because he couldn’t think of anything better to do at the time. 

And because he simply couldn’t resist the shy, hopeful expression on Jim’s face when the badge offer had been made. Whatever mistakes Blair had made, he had tried so hard to repair the damage, and it had appeared that Jim had forgiven him. And really wanted him to stay at his side in an official capacity. 

But it wasn’t enough. Never could be if the sentinel’s secret was to remain as such. And why Jim and Simon couldn’t see that amazed Blair. Even attending the Seattle Police Academy instead of Cascade’s own hadn’t helped, although Blair had hoped that it would. And he knew he had been deluding himself in even thinking that his notoriety wouldn’t follow him. This latest expression of disgust and harsh peer pressure was the last straw, and he knew what he had to do. 

Thankful that he had the room to himself for a while, since his fellow cadets were still in class, he carefully pulled out his old duffel, and began to stuff it with his few personal possessions and toiletries, his damaged hand making it awkward and painful, but he gritted his teeth and continued. It was mostly ready packed with his few civilian clothes, the habit of keeping an ‘escape bag’ still with him, and happily so at this time. He had no intention of taking his dress uniform with him, and simply pulled a comfortable plaid shirt and casual jacket on over the workout clothes he was still wearing, and without even a backward glance, he shouldered the duffel and quietly left the dormitory. 

Oh, he knew it was wrong to sneak out like this. Cowardly even, like a thief in the night – but he couldn’t bear the thought of any sort of confrontation right now, even with the more sympathetic of the academy’s training staff and administrators. And he definitely couldn’t contact Jim. It was cruel and unfair, but in the long run, once he had gotten over his fury at being betrayed once again, the sentinel would get over himself and realise that it was for the best after all. He didn’t need Blair. Hadn’t for a while now as he had made blatantly obvious in the fraught months following their return from Sierra Verde. All he really needed was his life back, and that was best achieved without his disgraced tagalong dogging his footsteps at every turn. 

Swiping impatiently at the stray tear that escaped from the corner of his eye, Blair drew himself up as best he could. This was his gift to Jim. And if it broke his heart in the doing, then so be it.   


\---------------------------  


**Following day, MCU bullpen:**  


Seated at his desk, Jim huffed impatiently as he pulled yet another file towards him. Where was his willing helper when he needed him? It was at times like these when he was forced to admit just how much paperwork and other boring administrative activities Blair had taken off his hands. He really missed the kid’s expertise on the computer, his creative mind and his flying fingers as he concocted and then typed up Jim’s reports in double-quick time. And now he had the loft to himself for the time being, he had realised just how much he missed his roommate. He was guiltily aware that more than once he had claimed that he wanted Blair gone. And at the time he had probably meant it. But now he had had a taste of what living alone again would be like, he didn’t like it at all. 

But he also knew why Blair had chosen not to come home at weekends during his course at the academy in Seattle. Or at least, he believed that he understood. He knew that Blair was short of funds at the moment, so was conserving his money by not incurring travelling expenses. And he had also explained to Jim that by staying in the dorm, he could perhaps integrate better with the other cadets at weekend social activities. In retrospect, Jim would come to realise that he had failed yet again to see through one of his friend’s masterful obfuscations, but at the time, Jim had believed him, because he _wanted_ to believe him. It was easier that way than to ponder on the real reasons for Blair’s temporary absence. 

If he had but known, the main reason Blair stayed away was because he had no intention of letting Jim see the physical evidence of his singular failure to ‘integrate’ at all. He didn’t want Jim riding to the rescue as if he was some sort of damsel in distress, hoping and believing that he would be able to ride out the rough beginnings and eventually find acceptance within his new peer group. It was what he had always done, after all, relying on his silver tongue and quick intelligence to win over all but the most entrenched of detractors. He had spent a lifetime creating niches for himself in various tribes and cultures, even though he admitted to himself that sometimes they were less than satisfactory or fulfilling. But at the end of the day it was what made him into such a consummate anthropologist and observer of humanity in all its forms. 

This time, however, Blair had too many strikes against him, and he was ruefully aware that it wasn’t just him that would suffer in the long term. Even if his generous nature and genial personality might eventually have done the trick and won over a good proportion of his fellow cadets, the ones who had the most influence over both him and the group as a whole were way too strong in their combined hatred and disgust for the self-proclaimed fraud who dared to train alongside them. This ill-tempered, resentful and closed-minded sub-group had made it their objective to show the nerdy little upstart just what they thought of him and his lies. Angered at being outclassed in all the written work so far; and a lot of the physical activity also; they determined to make his life a total misery. They would show him exactly what they thought of his temerity in trying to become one of them despite betraying one of their own. They believed that Sandburg must have some hold over his detective ‘friend’ and potential captain which forced them to sponsor him through the academy, and if his lies were to be believed, it had to be something other than the fraudulent, crazy superman stuff he had written about. Probably sleeping with both of them, and anyone else who mattered in order to be rewarded for providing sexual favours. Mouth and ass like that were just made for sucking and fucking, sure enough. 

Then again, what if he didn’t lie? If he didn’t, then Detective Jim Ellison really must be one of those ‘Sentinels’ after all. And wouldn’t that be something? But it couldn’t be true, because otherwise he’d come out and admit it. He’d have to be proud of his extra edge, wouldn’t he? Cascade’s own Super Cop. No wonder he’d been Cop of the Year. Stands to reason. 

If Jim had but known it, it was Blair overhearing several such unsettling discussions that had provided him with the final proof that his decision to cut and run was the right one. For all of them. It was his duty to protect Jim’s privacy, having made such an almighty blunder in leaving his subject’s name in the first draft of the diss in the first place. But who’d have believed that Naomi could have interfered like that, even for the best of reasons? But at the end of the day, what was done was done, and all he could do was keep on clearing up the mess even if his own future lay in ruins. 

But right now, Jim was blissfully unaware of all of this, and simply looked forward to Blair finishing his course and graduating so that he could take up the position Simon had worked so hard to create for him. It wasn’t as if he had any other options after all, and Jim had to admit to a certain amount of smug satisfaction for having done his bit in providing Sandburg with the means of pursuing a proper job. And it never occurred to him just how patronising that opinion was. 

Just then, his brief reverie was interrupted in no uncertain manner by the arrival in the bullpen of Joel and Megan, newly returned from a disappointingly unsuccessful attempt at chasing down leads for their latest case. The miserable result hadn’t done anything for the Aussie exchange officer’s temper, and seeing Jim sitting at his desk totally self-absorbed was enough to set her off. 

“Still sitting around on your arse, then, Jimbo,” she snarked, stalking over to her own desk. “Must be nice not having to do any real work yet. But what am I saying? It was _Sandy_ who did all that mundane stuff for you, wasn’t it? So perhaps it _does_ seem like grafting after all. You’ll be wanting him back for that if for nothing else!” 

Frowning, Jim scowled at her, not needing or appreciating her acerbic comments. Oh yes, he knew just what she thought of him. Couldn’t fail to really, even though to her credit she had never told anyone else the real reason for her antipathy. Apart from Simon, she was still the only one there who knew for certain that the senses were real, despite the fact that Jim’s colleagues all had their own theories about the nature of his ‘edge’. And the part Blair Sandburg played in it. 

But what she had never been able to stomach or forgive was the way Jim had let her dear friend Sandy fall on his sword to protect his partner. She simply couldn’t understand how Jim could have kept quiet after seeing that dreadful, self-destructive TV press conference. How could he have watched Sandy’s self-immolation without ‘fessing up? The pain on her young friend’s face had reduced her to tears, and she was no soft touch, but Jim had seemed to be immune. The selfish bugger! 

Uncaring as to whether Ellison would respond or not, she was unfazed when he slowly rose to his feet and approached her desk, the slight limp left over from his bullet wound barely noticeable now. 

“I’ve had about enough of your snide comments, Conner,” he growled, leaning down to get in her face. “I know you don’t like me, and I don’t give a rat’s ass about that one way or the other. But I’m sick and tired of your constant bitching. Sandburg will be back soon enough, so you can smother him all you want then. He’s welcome to it! 

“But in the meantime, butt out!” 

Megan looked up and met his angry glare with a matching one of her own. “Get over yourself, Ellison!” she hissed disdainfully. “Maybe Sandy’ll decide that it’s not worth the pain and hassle anymore, and won’t come back at all! Wouldn’t blame him if he did, all the thanks and appreciation he gets from you!” 

Unfortunately for all concerned, her words were to prove to be prophetic, but Jim was prevented from responding by a summons issuing from Simon’s office. “Ellison, my office now, please!” 

The lack of their captain’s usual volume, plus the uncharacteristic courtesy was enough to warn Jim that something was amiss. 

And he wasn’t wrong.  


\-----------------------  


Entering his captain and friend’s office, Jim was immediately struck by the gravitas in Simon’s expression and demeanour. 

“Simon, sir? Are you OK? Has something happened to Daryl? Joan?” he enquired earnestly, his own emotions at the recent altercation immediately shelved in the face of such genuine distress. 

“No! No, Jim. Not Daryl or Joan,” Simon replied quickly. “I think you’d better sit down, my friend. It’s about Sandburg….” And he got no further before Jim swayed on his feet. 

“God! He’s dead isn’t he?” Jim gasped out, feeling as if the end of his world was nigh. 

“No, Jim, not dead!” Simon hastened to explain. “Look, sit down, man, and I’ll explain properly. I’m sorry, my friend. That didn’t come out as it should. I didn’t mean to shock you like that,” and he moved quickly around his desk to ease Jim into the nearest chair. 

Once Jim was seated, a little more colour having returned to his face, Simon went over to his personal coffee machine to pour them both a mug of his most recent gourmet blend. He reckoned that Jim could do with the caffeine, and he sure as hell needed it after the phone call he’d just received. Shit, a triple scotch would be just the ticket right now, plus a good cigar. 

Pushing the steaming mug into Jim’s cold hand, he murmured, “There you go, my friend. Get that down you and I’ll tell you everything. It might not be as bad as we think anyway,” he added hopefully, although both of them could tell that such optimism was undoubtedly fanciful. 

Jim’s haggard face lifted to meet Simon’s anxious gaze as he clasped the warm mug gratefully in both hands. “OK, Simon. Tell me all,” he ground out, his voice cracking with the strain of trying to suppress his wildly tumbling thoughts and emotions. This was going to be bad, for sure, but he needed to know just how bad. 

Sitting down opposite his hurting friend and subordinate, Simon leaned his elbows on his desk as he met and held Jim’s gaze. Sighing heavily, he took refuge in a sip of coffee before speaking. 

“It’s like this, Jim. And please let me get this out before you interrupt, man. I’ll tell you everything I’ve learned, then we can discuss what to do about it afterwards, OK? I just need to tell you everything I’ve been told first.” 

When Jim nodded reluctantly, he put down his coffee mug and folded his hands together, expression compelling as he began. 

“I just received a call from the Commanding Officer at Seattle Academy, Jim. He wanted to tell me that Blair’s gone, Jim. As in, walked out, disappeared. They have no idea where, although they do know when, and the kid left no explanatory note. In fact, he left nothing but his dress uniform and his study manuals. 

“Apparently, he had been to the clinic after being injured during a training session yesterday morning, and must have left shortly after treatment. None of his fellow cadets were back from classes, so no one saw him go. He just took everything personal that wasn’t academy-related, got in his car and drove away. CCTV recorded the Volvo leaving the academy campus at 1135 hours. 

“However, he wasn’t reported missing until this morning, when one of his colleagues finally got up either the enthusiasm or the nerve to go to their supervisor. 

“Now, I’ve spoken to the CO, who I know from way back when, and he was sympathetic but couldn’t or wouldn’t tell me much. But what he hinted at immediately set my alarm bells ringing, man, and I think we need to go over there right now to find out more for ourselves about what’s been happening to the kid. 

“Did you suspect anything, Jim? Anything about his behaviour that suggested he wasn’t happy there?” 

Jim frowned, his face betraying anger and fear. And incredulity too, truth be told. Meeting Simon’s quizzical gaze, his own eyes reflected his confusion as he replied slowly and somewhat uncertainly, “No, Simon. I had no idea. None at all. Why wouldn’t he tell me if anything was wrong, Simon? Why?” 

Simon’s expression hardened at the tone and the response. He liked Jim. He really did. But sometimes the man was so thick-skinned it was unbelievable, hypersensitivity be damned. And when it came to his loyal partner, sometimes Simon was strongly tempted to give his subordinate a good kick up the ass to bring him to his senses, absolutely no pun intended. He was certain that Jim genuinely loved the younger man in his own way, but simply didn’t know how to react to his own feelings. Or those of said partner, sad to say. 

Either way, he was going to have to tell Jim a few home truths whether the sentinel liked it or not, and it wasn’t going to be an easy task. As Sandburg had once remarked, Ellison had cornered the market in guilt, but how he responded to it was never certain. Sometimes he reacted in anger by going on the offensive; hitting out before he could be hurt; and Simon didn’t need that right now. Blair had been the undeserving target of that anger far too often in recent months, which probably had a lot to do with driving the current situation. 

But sometimes Jim could be made to see the truth that was in front of his face, and that was what his captain and friend was hoping for today. 

“Look, Jim, when was the last time you really talked to Blair? I mean, after all that fiasco with the paper, and then the shooting, did you actually tell Blair how you felt about him? You asked me to do something to help him stay on at the PD, and I did, but it was pretty obvious when we gave him that badge, he had no clue that he was still welcome or accepted by his friends in MCU. Did you even know he had cleared his desk at the U that morning?” 

Jim’s face took on a guilty cast, and then hardened, and Simon sighed internally, expecting the classic Ellison aggression and denial after all. And if that was the case, there wasn’t much he could do right now to persuade his friend to listen to his advice. However, moments later Jim sighed and averted his gaze, his jaw muscles jumping as he fought to control his emotions. And when he turned back to face Simon again, his eyes betrayed real pain as he replied. 

“No, Simon. I didn’t know. And I’d hardly seen anything of him between the press conference and the badge offer. I mean, sure, I was in hospital for a bit myself after the Zeller incident, and when you and Megan were shot I saw him and told him that he was the best partner I’d ever worked with, but that was it really. I just expected him to know what I meant. He always knows – or so I thought.” 

“Like he understood you making out with Barnes, huh?” Simon couldn’t quite refrain from saying, biting his cheek in self-disgust as Jim’s expression hardened again. 

“That’s a low blow, sir, and nothing to do with the situation now,” Jim snapped, and Simon really thought he’d blown it with his own tactlessness, but then Jim sighed again. 

“It is, though, isn’t it?” he continued remorsefully. “I couldn’t understand it myself, so I just accepted his explanation about sentinel mating imperatives or some such. I hated myself, and didn’t want to talk about it. Or about what happened at the fountain. I didn’t want to know, and I told him…I told him I didn’t want to take that trip with him. I shut him down, and I’ve been shutting him down ever since. He once wrote about fear-based responses, and I was furious. I accused him of calling me a coward. But he was right, wasn’t he? And my cowardice – my refusal to admit to my so-called ‘gift’ - meant that he was forced to destroy his own reputation to protect me. When I questioned him about the press conference, he said ‘it was just a book’. But then he admitted that it was his life. And it was.” 

“He said that, did he?” Simon murmured pensively. “You’re a lucky man, Jim. To have someone love you that much. What are you going to do about it, then?” 

Jim frowned then. “Love, Simon? He just did what he had to do because he’s an honourable man. What’s love got to do with it?” 

“Jesus, Jim!” Simon responded incredulously. “I _know_ he’s an honourable man! But to do what he did even without the opportunity to discuss it with you first took real courage. And love. Couldn’t you see it in his eyes when he faced the cameras? You’re the one with the heightened senses, man!” 

And Jim hung his head in shame then. “Yes, Simon. I did. But I denied it. Didn’t want to see it for what it was even though it haunts me every time I think about it. Perhaps if we’d have talked? If _I’d_ made the effort to communicate with him, it would never have had to reach that point. 

“But as we didn’t, I thought that at least we’d done right by him after all. And it looks like we were totally off-base, huh?” 

Simon nodded sombrely. “I think you’re right, Jim. And I think that Blair knew it, but didn’t want to upset you by turning the offer down. And now he’s gone because he probably believes it’s what you need. What’s best for you. Because as far as the kid’s concerned, it’s always been about you.” 

And there was no way Jim could deny it. Not and be honest with himself. It was true. Blair had given everything to their partnership for years, and had nothing to show for it. No job prospects and no academic reputation, while Jim had survived more or less intact. It was past time that he started thinking about his friend for a change rather than himself, even though it scared him shitless. Fear-based responses indeed. 

Looking up to meet Simon’s expectant gaze again, he straightened his shoulders and spoke firmly. “So, are we going to Seattle now? I want to find out everything I can about what happened to Blair. And then I’m going to look for him. And bring him home even if I have to kidnap him.” 

“Fair enough, Jim,” Simon replied, already standing and reaching for his topcoat. “Let’s get this show on the road!”  



	2. Balm for the Soul

**Part 2: Balm for the Soul:**  


**Previous evening:**  


Blair stared relentlessly through the windscreen at the seemingly endless blacktop, concentrating on his driving rather than the thoughts running through his mind. Ever since driving away from the Seattle academy campus, he had resisted the urge to speed or drive recklessly in any way, partly in deference to his injured hand and partly because there was no way he wanted to put anyone innocent in danger because of his black mood. And not least because the last thing he needed was to get pulled in by the cops for anything at all, since he needed to keep a low profile until he had made his escape. 

However, despite his best efforts, he couldn’t keep his thoughts completely controlled, and when they snuck up on him, he had to dash the occasional tear from his cheek even as he scolded himself for his self-indulgent pity party. This situation was of his making, and now he had to live with it, hard as that was going to be. 

Concentrating on the road again, he realised that he recognised the passing scenery, and was drawing close to his destination. One where he hoped to be at least accepted if not warmly welcomed for as long as it took to decide where he was to go from here. Refuge at St Sebastian’s for a few days would hopefully give him a little breathing space, plus non-judgemental advice, and he smiled slightly in anticipation of seeing Brother Marcus again. At least that was one person who Blair was reasonably sure wouldn’t condemn him out of hand for either his recent stupidity or his cowardly attempt to set things right _in absentia._

Now on familiar ground, he allowed himself to relax a little, but with that came unbidden thoughts and emotions. He wondered if he had been reported AWOL yet, or whether his fellow cadets had simply ignored his empty bunk. Perhaps they were all relieved at his absence. Those who wanted him gone would undoubtedly be congratulating themselves for job well done, while those who might had silently sympathised with him were probably grateful that they didn’t have to think about him any longer. Either way, it appeared that he had managed to put enough distance between him and the academy to foil most attempts at tracing him. 

He sighed at the notion that Jim could perhaps have tracked him for a while if he had been informed early enough, but that presupposed that he would actually care to. It was far more likely that the sentinel would be furious at this ultimate betrayal, and his initial reaction would be one of good riddance to his annoying burden of an ex-partner. But that sorry idea was moot anyway now, because the gates of St Sebastian’s were in sight, and Blair was certain that for a while at least he would be able to lick his wounds while remaining under the PD and Jim’s radar. 

Pulling up outside the locked gates, he climbed stiffly out of the Volvo and rang the bell attached to the gatepost. Within moments, a lanky, cowled figure appeared, bustling towards him in the gathering dusk. Pushing back his hood, the man gazed down at Blair for a moment, then his sharp-featured face broke into a welcoming grin. “Brother Blair! How wonderful! We weren’t expecting a visit. Is everything all right?” he added, a slight frown of concern momentarily replacing the affable smile as he glanced at Blair’s injured arm. 

“Uh, hello, Brother Thomas,” Blair replied a little diffidently. “Uh, I’m sorry to just appear out of the blue like this, but I…um…needed somewhere to stay for a while. If that’s OK?” 

“Of course, young Blair! I’m sure that will be fine. Let me open the gates, and you can drive over to the barn while I go and inform Brother Jeremy of your arrival. You’re just in time for supper.” 

Blair smiled in gratitude, and climbed back into his car, driving carefully over to the large barn where the monastery’s bus was kept. Parking within, he grabbed his duffel and made his way over to the main building, still nervous about his reception despite Brother Thomas’ warmth. Brother Jeremy might see his arrival in a different light, having already met Jim and knowing about Blair’s hooking up with the cops. But he had to hope that Jeremy and Marcus both would be open-minded when he explained why he was here. Not that he would mention the sentinel deal, though, because even now he couldn’t bring himself to fully explain a secret that wasn’t his to reveal. He just hoped that the secluded monastery would still be unaware of his notorious TV press conference so that he could gloss over certain aspects pertaining to his need to get away. 

And then he was at the door, being hugged by Marcus and ushered within by the more restrained Brother Jeremy. And for a while his troubled soul gratefully absorbed the sincere warmth of their welcome, and the peace that suffused their surroundings.  


\--------------------  


Later that night, Blair sat in Brother Jeremy’s room along with Brother Marcus. It was almost time to retire for the night, and Blair felt more than ready for his bed; emotionally exhausted having just explained all – or almost all - to his two avid but empathic listeners. Supper had been a far better experience than he had expected, the gentle conversation and geniality of the monks soothing him, while their calm acceptance of his presence relieved his tension enough for him to manage to eat a little more than he would normally have done with a stomach so tied in knots as his had been recently. Even though they must have been curious as to the purpose of his unexpected visit, they respected his privacy and allowed him to eat in peace. But he was wryly certain that at least some of them were dying to find out more about him, especially since his last visit with Jim had proved to be such a dramatic event. 

However, once supper was over, Brother Jeremy had asked him and Brother Marcus to retire with him to his room, where Blair was gently encouraged to unburden himself. And he had. 

Although he hadn’t gone into detail about the events surrounding his drowning or his growing estrangement from Jim, he did explain about the whole diss mess, although without confirming that Jim really was a sentinel. He simply confessed to having written a paper that Naomi had inadvertently released without his consent, whose content taken out of context had proved potentially damaging to both Jim and the PD. He told them about the press conference, insisting that it was the only way he could get the media off Jim’s back while he was trying to work on a particularly dangerous case. He admitted shame-facedly that the whole incident had led to his dismissal from Rainier, but that when he had been offered the chance of attending the academy, that had also backfired for several reasons; thus leaving him now with nowhere else to go. 

He supposed that he should have guessed that these two intelligent, sensitive and inquisitive men would realise immediately that there was far more to his story than those bare facts, but he trusted that they wouldn’t push him for details he couldn’t or wouldn’t reveal. And it seemed that for tonight at least he would get his wish when they simply bade him goodnight, and allowed him to go to his usual cell where he immediately sprawled out on his bunk, able for once to fall into a much-needed, dreamless sleep.  


\---------------------------  


The following morning, Blair woke up to a gloriously sunny day, which had the immediate effect of lightening his spirits somewhat. The long, healing sleep he had enjoyed had done a lot for his battered psyche also, although it could hardly be said that he was anything like his normal energetic and optimistic self. Or at least, the energetic and optimistic self he had once been, before Alex Barnes appeared on the scene and everything began to fall apart. And if he was to be honest, things had begun to unravel even before that, when Jim had broken his promise and read Blair’s opening chapter. In retrospect, Blair knew he should have pulled the plug then, but he was so loath to have his pass withdrawn that he had kept on with the sentinel paper even though he was bitterly aware that Jim hated it; drawing it out interminably so he could stay on the rollercoaster with his idol for as long as possible. And in truth, he was certain that it was the best thing he had ever written, simply because his love for his subject both as man and sentinel was so deep and all-consuming. Despite Jim’s growing indifference towards him, he had still entertained vague hopes for a real reconciliation right up to the fraught and painful days just prior to him making his decision to run. It was the last thing he had wanted to do, even though he truly believed it was for the best. But he still felt so bad about throwing Jim and Simon’s olive branch of a badge offer back in their faces anyway. 

And how weird was that? Blair Sandburg feeling guilty about running away. He had spent most of his young life doing just that, having learned at his mother’s knee that ‘detaching with love’ was the norm if you didn’t want to hurt or be hurt. And then Naomi’s little boy had learned all about commitment, love and loyalty in the years he had hung out with Jim, and he also learned all about the pain and shame that the deliberate breaking of that commitment could inflict on his fragile ego. 

But there was no turning back now. He had made his choice, and had to live with it. Jim was probably cursing him right now, but would get over it. He would have the loft to himself again, and Blair was sure that in the unlikely event of his friend ever needing support in the field, Simon would know enough to help him, as would Megan. Although even as the thought occurred to him, Blair smiled sadly to himself as he imagined his forthright Aussie friend’s likely reaction to such a request. 

Getting to his feet, Blair stretched luxuriously and hurried to freshen up and dress so that he wouldn’t miss breakfast. He needed to make himself useful, knowing that there were plenty of everyday chores in which he could lose himself, hoping that the honest, physical labour and undemanding company would provide much necessary balm to his bruised soul.  



	3. Revelations and Resolutions

**Part 3: Revelations and Resolutions:**  


**Later that day, Seattle Police Academy:**  


Seated before the Commanding Officer’s desk, Simon glanced at the man beside him, a frown of concern creasing his dark features. Jim was strung tighter than a bowstring, his control teetering uncertainly on a knife edge as yet more unpleasant information was revealed. The last thing Banks needed was for Mount Ellison to erupt right now when they still had more interviews and an investigation to conduct. The academy’s Head, Captain Karl Wydmark, was being as cooperative as possible under the circumstances, and Simon didn’t want to alienate him unnecessarily. After all, he and Karl went way back, having gone through the academy together, and their mutual respect had never wavered over the intervening years. 

But now all three were aware that mistakes had been made on all sides, and it was Cadet Sandburg who had suffered from them. 

“Look, Simon,” Wydmark was saying. “I understand your concern as I feel it myself. But I had no idea that things had reached such a point that your young friend felt the need to abscond. I admit I’ve been worried on several counts on the cadet’s behalf, but he assured me continuously that he was able to deal with his issues himself. It appears that I was wrong to believe him, and I’m truly sorry about that. But I can’t see what else I could have done under the circumstances. I do have a couple of hundred staff and other cadets in my charge after all. I just wish he’d have come to me first.” 

Simon nodded tiredly. “I realise that, Karl. It’s just that Blair Sandburg is special to both of us, which is why I asked if he could attend your academy instead of our own in Cascade. I… _We_ …both hoped that the extra distance would enable him settle in better, but apparently we were wrong. And it seems as if we were wrong about trying to make him into a cop after all. I guess we should have known better, as I’m sure Blair already did.” 

“Unfortunately, I think you’re probably right, Simon,” Karl agreed sombrely. “Not that he wouldn’t have made a good cop under different circumstances, mind you. He aced all the classwork, and according to his field instructors, he was holding his own in fitness training. He was also proving to be an excellent marksman, although I understand from his shooting instructor that he was less than enamoured with handling firearms. 

“Unfortunately, however, I’ve since learned that he was having a rough time in unarmed combat training, having to be treated in the infirmary on several occasions. I have spoken to the instructor concerned just this morning, and have to say that his attitude was less than satisfactory in respect of disciplining Sandburg’s – shall we say – ‘overzealous’ sparring partners, and I apologise for that. You can rest assured that he now understands that such conduct is unacceptable for any reason. 

“But of course that doesn’t make things right, and I’m sorry to say that Sandburg’s insistence that his injuries were the result of his own clumsiness didn’t help. I believe now that he was genuinely determined to prove himself without calling in favours or blaming his fellow cadets for their attitude, and I respect him for that even as I wish he had been a little less independent and self-reliant. And I truly hope you manage to track him down even if I believe now that attending here was a mistake from the outset.” 

During his recitation, Simon had listened quietly, nodding his agreement as the unhappy report unfolded. When Wydmark paused, he met the other man’s steady gaze, noting and appreciating the genuine apology in his old friend’s grey eyes. 

“I think you’re right, Karl. It was a foolish notion, but seemed like the only remedy for a difficult situation at the time. We should have realised that Blair’s reputation would follow him, even though for the most part that disgrace is undeserved,” and he shot a meaningful glance at Jim, a petty part of him knowing that the barb would have hit home as it was meant to. “I can’t explain better than that, but I can say that Sandburg is a more honourable man than almost any other I’ve ever met, and he didn’t deserve to be victimised like that. 

“Anyway, if it’s OK with you, we’d like to interview a few of his classmates? See if any of them have an inkling of where he might have gone.” 

Jim had remained silent during the two captains’ interchange, fighting hard to contain his impatience and growing anger on behalf of his friend and partner. Because he still considered Blair to be so, despite everything that had gone between them. Most of which had been Jim’s fault anyway, even though it pained him to admit it. And the fact that Simon obviously believed it also pricked unmercifully at his conscience and self-image. His guilt was equally exacerbated by the list of wrongs both mental and physical that Blair had apparently had to endure alone and unsupported, and the sentinel within desperately needed to find his companion and set things right if at all possible. But first he needed to see for himself just how much his hapless guide had suffered, and then make the perpetrators pay. Raising his head to meet the other men’s concerned gazes in turn, he growled, “This is all well and good, sir. Captain Wydmark. But it’s not helping me track down my friend. I need to see his locker, and interview his so-called classmates. We’re wasting time here!” 

Although he would never have admitted it, Wydmark was shocked at the almost feral gleam in Ellison’s ice blue eyes, and it occurred to him that the rumours that Sandburg hadn’t lied about his paper’s subject after all might just be true. Ellison’s fury was an almost tangible thing, and Wydmark could well imagine this man killing without remorse if called upon to do so. And because of that fear, he knew that, however much they deserved to be punished for their narrow-minded bigotry, Sandburg’s tormentors couldn’t be left alone with Ellison. The man had death in his eyes. 

However, before he could remonstrate with the seething detective, Simon spoke up quickly, his tone sharp and repressive. “That’s enough, Ellison! Everyone here is well aware of what needs to be done, but there will be no going off at half cock, you hear me? You’ll do Blair no favours if you get yourself charged with assault or any such thing, so just hold on to your control a bit longer, man. 

“I know it’s hard for you, Jim. I _know_ that! Hell, it’s hard for me too, and I’ve hardly had the sort of relationship you two used to enjoy as partners. But if you want to find him, you can’t be in a jail cell somewhere, OK? Just cool it, Jim.” 

For a moment it looked like touch and go whether or not Ellison would obey, but after a few fraught seconds, he sighed heavily and subsided in his seat. He knew Simon was making sense, and he’d do Blair no good from the inside of a prison cell, but it was sure as hell going to be hard not to tear a few heads from guilty shoulders. But at least he would be able to use his senses in order to ascertain that guilt, and conceded wryly that they had their uses after all. Which was only what Blair had been telling him all along.  


\---------------------------  


A short while later the three men arrived at Blair’s dormitory, and Jim unerringly headed straight for the bank of lockers on the far wall, already knowing which one his partner had used. Wydmark exchanged a quizzical glance with Simon at the sight, plainly curious as to how the big detective knew exactly which one to open, but Simon merely shrugged and offered a wry grin. If Jim still wanted to keep his ability under wraps, then so be it, although Simon was pretty sure that the secret wasn’t such a secret after all, and hadn’t been for some while. 

Using his master key, Wydmark opened the locker to reveal Blair’s dress uniform on its hanger, his text books, and very little else. Jim reached in and pulled out the clothing, surreptitiously sniffing at Blair’s scent that still clung to the material. Closing his eyes briefly, he savoured the soothing and addictive fragrance, his senses immediately latching onto it even if it was a poor substitute for the man himself. However, this was no time for self-indulgence, so he reached into the inside pocket of the uniform coat and withdrew Blair’s cell phone, obviously left there deliberately so that he couldn’t be tracked by GPS. 

Simon’s lips thinned in frustration at the sight of it, his frowning gaze meeting Jim’s. “He really does want to disappear without trace, doesn’t he?” he muttered grimly. “I’ve heard nothing from the APB I put out on the Volvo either, so I’m thinking that he’s already abandoned it somewhere. Knowing him, he’s probably hitching to parts unknown. There’s a remote possibility that we might trace him through his bank cards, but knowing him he’s probably closed his accounts too, so that’ll be a no go also. 

“Dammit, I wish he wasn’t quite so smart sometimes! He’s picked up far too much from hanging around with cops for so long!” and he huffed in exasperation. 

Unbeknown to Simon, as he already suspected, Blair had indeed stopped at a branch of the Bank of America in Seattle’s outskirts and closed both his savings and checking accounts, taking the few hundred dollars left to his name in cash. He also had no intention of moving his beloved Volvo from where it was presently hiding under a tarpaulin in St Sebastian’s barn, so Simon’s fears were indeed justified. 

However, Jim had no intention of being distracted by such possibilities, and he turned to address the other two, his voice and expression determined and uncompromising. “I don’t care what evasive tricks he comes up with, it’s not going to stop me from tracking him down, however long it takes. But first I want to speak to his classmates. Get some idea of what was going on here for all this time. There must be someone among them who has the guts to come clean!” 

Wydmark’s expression was grim as he nodded. “Fair enough, Detective Ellison. But I’ll be sitting in with you, as will your captain, so there’ll be no excessive aggression, OK? If you can’t agree to that, then I can’t let you do the interviewing.” 

Jim nodded in agreement, even though he didn’t like the captain’s restrictions overmuch. But if he wanted to use the senses to determine the extent of the interviewees’ guilt or honesty, he had no choice but to cooperate.  


\--------------------------  


A couple of hours into the interviews, and Jim was ready to blow. Torn between rage and disgust at what he had heard so far, he was hard put not to leap to his feet and prowl around Captain Wydmark’s office like the black jaguar which was his animal spirit in an effort to calm down a little. Blair’s class had consisted of twenty four cadets, who had been arbitrarily divided into four teams of six. Jim had requested a line-up of all remaining cadets, and, knowing that he and Simon hadn’t the time to interview every one of them, he had asked to see the five remaining members of Blair’s group, plus several others chosen by means of a combination of sensory information and his cop instincts which had rarely let him down. 

And one way or another he had been thoroughly infuriated with the responses he had received, as indeed had Simon. Also, judging by the sour expression on Wydmark’s face, it was pretty certain that he was as disappointed in the cadets’ answers as were his visitors. Apparently this wasn’t one of his better intakes. 

Of the five remaining members of Blair’s team, not one of them owned up to actively disliking Blair. Far from it, in fact. However, two of them; whose steady and constant physiological responses convinced the sentinel that they were telling nothing but the truth; admitted that they had pretty much ignored Sandburg except when forced to interact with him in team issues. Both said that it was easier to go with the general flow, although neither actually deliberately baited him. They were quite simply indifferent to his suffering, and what that said about their characters was open to their listeners’ interpretation. 

However, the other three were most definitely ashamed of their behaviour, each confessing to various degrees of unpleasantness towards an undeserving team member just because they wanted to fit in with the larger group. And, indeed for self-preservation to a certain extent. One of them, Julie-Anne Murphy, actually broke down and cried when she confessed that she had joined in with the ribbing and hazing for just that reason, which was unforgiveable considering that Blair had voluntarily helped her on several occasions. 

“He was really kind to me,” she sobbed, “and he didn’t deserve my attitude. He didn’t deserve _any_ of it, Detective Ellison. He was just trying to do his best to fit in, and we didn’t let him. I’m so sorry!” and she broke down completely then. 

The other individuals Jim had picked out each displayed variations of the same emotions; either indifference, feigned or otherwise, shame-faced guilt or even outright denial. However, one or two were much more belligerent, particularly the one who Jim had pinpointed as the ringleader. 

Patrick Mulcady was a beefy, coarse-featured young man, whose attitude was one of smug, self-important pseudo-sanctimony. The offspring of at least two generations of cops, he was inordinately proud of following in the family tradition, almost preening as he boasted of his behaviour towards Cadet Sandburg. 

“He had no right to the uniform, sir! We shouldn’t have had to put up with a liar and a fraud in our midst. I knew all about him, and what he did to one of our own,” - this said with a knowing smirk directed at Jim – “and it was my duty to tell everyone about it!” 

Frowning, Simon had pierced him with a speculative glare. “Mulcady, huh? We have a Sergeant Brendan Mulcady at Cascade Central. Any relation by any chance?” 

The cadet had beamed proudly at him then. “Sure, sir! He’s my uncle! And _he_ told me all about what Sandburg did! That’s why I knew it was my duty to make sure that cheater knew he couldn’t hack it as a cop!” 

He was genuinely puzzled by the reproving expressions on all his superior officers’ faces, and particularly the pure disdain and disgust on Jim’s. And when Jim addressed him again, the look of astonished bewilderment on the cadet’s face might have even been comical under different circumstances. 

“You vindictive, bigoted young fool!” he hissed, pinning the hapless young man with a lethal glare. “Blair Sandburg is my friend and partner, and is the most decent man I know! Your conduct towards him was unforgivable, even if he did deserve it, which he didn’t! You have no right to bully _any_ fellow cadet, whatever your personal hang-ups and misconceptions. ‘Protect and Serve’ means just that, you asshole! And that goes for all members of the public as well as your colleagues. 

“Gods! I can’t bear to look at you!” he sneered, waving his hand in a dismissive gesture as he rose to his feet and headed for the door. 

“I’m sorry, Simon, Captain Wydmark. But I can’t stay in the same room with him!” and he strode out of the room, almost slamming the door behind him. 

Wydmark stared repressively at the red-faced cadet, who was now almost shuffling his feet in discomfort, although apparently still uncomprehending of what he had done wrong. 

“You’re dismissed, Cadet Mulcady,” he said, his tone betraying weary resignation. “I’ll be summoning you later today for a disciplinary appraisal, so be prepared!” 

Snapping a salute, Mulcady marched out of the office, and Simon turned to his old friend. “I’m sorry, Karl. I guess that can’t have been much fun for you either, but despite how Detective Ellison reacted; I don’t believe he blames you in any way. And neither do I. You have a difficult role as head of an establishment like this, and it’s not surprising that sometimes bad apples slip through the net. It’s the nature of the beast, sad to say, but we both still know that the force is improving all the time. And it’s individuals like Blair Sandburg who can make a difference. His intelligence, tolerance and generosity earned him a great deal of affection and respect not just in my unit, but in the department as a whole even as an unpaid, untrained civilian. And that’s why I want to find him. Why Jim needs to get his partner back in whatever capacity.”  


Wydmark nodded in understanding. “I hear you, old friend,” he said with a bleak smile. “Good luck, and good hunting.” 

\---------------------------  


Heading back towards Cascade, Simon glanced over at his silent passenger. Jim was staring out of the side window, the muscles in his cheek and jaw twitching as he ground his teeth in barely-controlled fury. 

“You OK, Jim?” he asked quietly. “Want to talk about it?” 

Jim turned his head, and Simon was shocked at the raw pain etched on the patrician features. “No to both, really, Simon, but I think I should. Talk about it, that is. That was so much worse than I expected, mainly because it proved to me how remiss I’d been. I should have been checking on him, Simon. I shouldn’t have let him obfuscate his way out of telling me what he was going through just to protect me. I’ve let him down again because I didn’t want to see what was in front of my eyes.” 

“Well, you’re not alone there, Jim,” Simon answered, his expression bleak. “It never occurred to me to follow his progress either. It’s just been easier that way, even though it’s unforgiveable, especially given what he’s already suffered. And I think that’s the reason why I haven’t supported him like I should have. Because that whole fountain episode shook me far more than anything I’ve ever experienced before. I mean, Jesus! He was _dead!_ And it _was_ you that brought him back, wasn’t it? I’ve always said I hated that sentinel voodoo shit, and I still do! I just couldn’t bring myself to talk about it either, and it was so much easier to ignore it. Ignore _him_ , to a certain extent.” 

Jim winced at his words, then nodded jerkily. “Yeah, Simon. It was me. And you know what? When Blair asked me once why I bothered, I couldn’t answer him honestly. He was hurting, but I kept blowing him off. Because I was so ashamed of myself, Simon. 

“See, when you said Blair loved me, I already knew it. It’s hard to explain, but when I went to the ‘other side’ if you will, to fetch him back, we sort of ‘merged’ for an instant. And I learned everything about him. Everything. Like he knew everything about me. 

“And I was so scared of the intensity of his feelings for me that I denied him. Like I said before, I told him I wasn’t ready to take that trip with him. And that’s when I started to shut him out. I couldn’t handle that sort of affection. That depth of love. And I should have known that he’d never have sold me out deliberately when the shit hit the fan. He even said that I didn’t know him at all if that’s what I accused him of doing, but it wasn’t _him_ I didn’t know. It was me. 

“And now it looks like I’ve succeeded in driving him away after all, and I _hate_ it!” and he slammed his fist against the dashboard in self-directed frustration. 

Simon stared at him for a second before turning his attention back to the road ahead. “Well then, we’d better make sure we get him back, hadn’t we? Then we can both apologise to him properly.” 

And Jim nodded in determined agreement. “Yeah, Simon. And you know what? I’m going to make sure he’s got something worthwhile to come back to. If I have to come clean about the senses to at least the Chief and Commissioner, that’s what I’ll do. I’ve been a chickenshit for too long, and it’s time I started to act like the man Blair wants me to be. And I’m going to go see Jack Kelso and Eli Stoddard at Rainier too. There must be something they can suggest to get back some of Blair’s academic credibility.” 

Simon nodded thoughtfully. “That’s good, Jim. A good place to start. And I’m betting we could do something about that publishing company too. I mean, Blair said they leaked parts of his intellectual property without his consent, so I’m thinking that perhaps he ought to sue them for compensation, huh? And why we didn’t think of stuff like this before I don’t know. If only we’d been there for the kid and backed him up like we should, things would never have gotten this far.” 

“You’re right again, Simon,” Jim murmured glumly. “Some friends we’ve been, huh? And to think that we believed that the offer of a detective’s shield was the only answer,” and he shook his head in self-disgust. 

“So now it’s time to do the right thing, Jim,” Simon replied determinedly. “And while we’re doing it, you can start tracking him down. It’s time to be the friends he needs at long last.”  



	4. Decisions Made

**Part 4: Decisions Made:**   


At St Sebastian’s Blair was not surprisingly completely unaware of all the activity his friends were engaging in on his behalf, and as his ever-fragile self-esteem was presently at its lowest ebb, he would have been astonished if he had had any inkling of it. With his mind determinedly focussed on anything but his old life in Cascade, after breakfast he made his way to the workshop where he knew Brother Marcus would be. All he wanted was to immerse himself in some type of worthwhile manual occupation and relax in the company of an undemanding friend. 

As he paused in the entrance of the workshop, he was struck with an immediate sense of déjà vu as he spotted his old friend working on restoring another exquisite piece of stained glass artistry. Brother Marcus looked serene and competent as he diligently reassembled the colourful artefact, and Blair felt a surge of affection at the sight. Rapping on the door jamb to announce his arrival, he hovered a little awkwardly in the doorway, still unsure of his welcome under the circumstances, only to relax with a relieved grin when Marcus beckoned him over. 

Offering Blair a gentle smile and companionable squeeze to his shoulder, Marcus said, “I hoped you’d come and join me today, Brother Blair. I’ve missed your company, and your messages. I had a feeling that all was not well in your world when your efforts at communication ceased again, and I’m glad that you felt able to come here for some respite. 

“Mind you,” he continued with a slightly sardonic chuckle, “It wasn’t quite so easy to recognise you last night without all those luxuriant locks! Makes you look even younger!” 

Running his uninjured hand through his short curls, Blair shrugged and replied, a wry grin pulling at the corner of his generous mouth. “Yeah, I know, Marcus. But although I said I’d never cut it, once I decided to give the academy a try, it seemed sensible. I mean, I was trying to fit in and I thought it made me less recognisable too. I took out the earrings for the same reason,” he admitted ruefully, “but I decided to put them back in this morning. Just because!” and he smirked self-consciously at his tiny act of bravado. 

“Good for you!” Marcus replied, with a firm nod. “So, are you up to giving me a hand today? Or is your injury too painful?” 

“I’d love to,” Blair responded eagerly. “It’s just dislocated, not broken, and I’m sure I can manage to do something, even if it’s a bit slower than usual.” 

“Fair enough. In that case, it would be really helpful if you could match up the pieces here with the correct spaces in the frame. That way I can get on much faster with reattaching them. And if you like, we can talk,” Marcus added ingenuously, casting a sideways glance at his young friend. 

Blair shook his head in fond exasperation. “Maybe,” he murmured noncommittally as he reached for the first of the brightly-coloured pieces of glass.  


\------------------------  


Several hours later it was nearing lunchtime, the time passing pleasantly as the two men worked together in easy harmony. The companionable silence was broken only by softly-spoken comments related to the job in hand, and Blair had begun to relax a little as his mind was occupied with something other than his current problems. Or more specifically, with Jim. He was therefore taken completely unawares when Marcus suddenly spoke up again, although the older man’s eyes and hands were still busily engaged with his task. 

“So, my son, does this sentinel of yours realise just how much you love him?” 

It took a moment for Blair to register the casually uttered query, but when the penny dropped, his eyes widened in shock and even a touch of fear as he gaped at his companion, momentarily speechless. 

“Uh, no! No! It’s not…I mean, he’s not…. Why would you think that?” he stammered eventually, trying but failing miserably to sound convincing. He continued to gawp at Marcus, wanting to be angry, but unable to resist the gentle smile of disbelief and quizzically raised eyebrow as Marcus reached out and placed a reassuring hand on his shoulder. 

And suddenly he was mortified to find his eyes welling up with tears, so he turned aside to hide his face as he impatiently attempted to knuckle away the unwanted moisture. 

Marcus gave him a moment to compose himself a little, then said, “It’s all right, Blair. You know nothing will pass my lips, or any of the other brothers here. I simply want to be here for you should you want to unburden yourself fully. Both Jeremy and I realise there were things you didn’t wish to reveal at first, but I believe that sharing your troubles with someone who knows what a vow of silence really means could help settle your mind.” 

Blair turned to face him again, his eyes searching Marcus’ kindly face and seeing nothing there but genuine affection. Suddenly, his shoulders slumped, and he surrendered abruptly to his need to confess to someone who cared. Nodding slowly, he swallowed hard and began, hesitantly at first; his voice low and breaking with emotion; then slowly gathering speed. “Yes. It’s true that Jim is a sentinel. And I love him. Really love him. And it’s because of that that I’m here, and intend to stay away from him from now on. He never wanted the gift of hypersensitivity, and resented the fact that he needed me to begin with. But for a while it was so good between us. I felt part of something far greater than myself, and even thought I had found a real home and a friend for life. Stupid, huh? 

“But then another sentinel came along, and it turned out that she was a criminal. I worked with her too for a while, and Jim was furious. I did try to tell him about her, but he blew me off and threw me out of the loft. And then she killed me. Drowned me in the fountain at Rainier. 

“But Jim brought me back somehow. I guess you’d call it a miracle. But then he started to push me away. To work without me to prove that he didn’t need me trailing along anymore. So I thought I’d better finish the diss and move on. And that’s when the disaster happened. Naomi sent off the first draft to a publisher friend of hers without my knowledge, and it still had Jim’s name in it. I can’t believe I could have been so stupid to leave it there, so when everything was leaked, I had to deny myself so that the media would leave Jim alone. It was my mess, so I cleaned it up as best I could. 

“I couldn’t believe it when Simon Banks offered me a detective’s shield if I went to the academy and became Jim’s partner for real. It wasn’t even realistic. I mean, how could a self-confessed fraud be taken seriously on the witness stand? And if I stayed with Jim, how long would it take before his colleagues – and the bad guys – realised that it was true after all? He’s never wanted to come out about his senses, because he thinks that people will see him as some sort of freak. 

“But I had to try, for Jim’s sake and for mine. I had to prove to myself for sure that the academy was nothing more than wishful thinking. And I sure found out quickly enough. 

“So, here I am. My disappearance will ensure that Jim’s secret remains just that, and I’m sure I’ll find something to do with my life. I just have to make sure that he doesn’t find me. If he really wants to, that is, which is highly unlikely. But just in case, I’m going to contact Naomi and see if she has any ideas as to where I could go now I’m not going to be a ‘pig’ after all. Right now, just about anywhere sounds good,” and he grinned ruefully as he wound down, his eyes pools of such sadness and despair that it broke Marcus’ heart to see them. 

The older man pulled Blair into a brief but warm hug before putting him away enough to look into the wounded blue gaze. “Thank you for confiding in me, Blair. I know that must have been painful, but like most confessions, I’m sure it must be a relief to get it off your chest. As they say, ‘A problem shared is a problem halved’, and although that sounds trite, I think there’s some truth in it. Let’s go to lunch together now, and I’ll think on what you’ve told me. Whether or not I can offer any sage advice I don’t know, but you have my word that yours – and Jim’s – secret is safe with me.” 

Blair offered him a watery smile. “Thank you, Marcus. I do feel better, tell the truth. And I know I can trust you. And Brother Jeremy. And I’m grateful for the sanctuary St Sebastian’s has granted me. But I think now that I’ll leave as soon as I’ve contacted Naomi and made a few travel plans. It’s only because I want to be sure that Jim doesn’t find me, and I don’t want to put either of you in the position where you might have to lie for me. But I can’t tell you how good it feels to know that someone believes me. Believes _in_ me. Thank you so much.”  


\----------------------------  


Although Blair could hardly be described as sanguine about his present condition, the fact that he had Brother Marcus’ friendship and trust to fall back on had indeed boosted his wounded ego to a certain extent, enough for him to have come to a decision about where to go from here. He asked for and was granted permission to leave his Volvo in the monastery’s barn indefinitely, and with Brother Jeremy’s willing consent he contacted Naomi using the phone in Jeremy’s office. He explained very briefly what had gone down, although he didn’t go into detail, simply telling his mother that the academy hadn’t worked out and that he needed time out to make decisions about his future. He could tell immediately that she was relieved that he had chosen not to accept the badge after all, and suggested he come down to join her in New Mexico. 

“It’s the perfect place to find yourself again,” she said eagerly. “I knew immediately that it was the right place for me to process after my awful blunder with your paper. And your life, Sweetie. I’m staying with friends not far from Santa Fe, and I know you’ll just love it here. I remember how much you enjoyed travelling in the area when you were younger. What do you say?” she finished hopefully. 

Blair only hesitated for a moment. “OK, Naomi. If you’re sure, that sounds good to me. I won’t be driving down though, so it might take me awhile to get there.” 

Naomi didn’t question him at all, simply saying, “That’s fine, Sweetie. I’ll pay for the ticket on a Greyhound for you so you can travel in relative luxury. It’s the least I can do, honey. Please say you’ll accept?” 

And Blair had no trouble with that. It was a huge load off his mind, and he knew that Naomi had made the offer out of the goodness of her heart. She freely admitted that she had frequently been less than adequate as far as ‘mommy material’ went, but there was no doubt at all that she loved her only son, and would do anything in her power to mend the current strained relationship between them. 

So it was that two days later, after bidding a fond and grateful farewell to the brothers for their kindness and unquestioning acceptance, he was given a ride in the monastery bus to the nearest Greyhound Coach Station, where he boarded a coach for the first leg of his journey to Santa Fe.  



	5. Hope and Despair

**Part 5: Hope and Despair:**  
**Six weeks later, MCU bullpen:**  


With a snarl, Jim slammed the handset of his desk phone down hard enough to make his colleagues sit up and take notice, but the scowl of frustration on his face was enough to send them ducking for cover again. He had just received the latest negative report from one of his more clandestine contacts who he was using to try and track down his elusive partner, and he was growing more irritable every passing day. Although he was still managing to use his senses to a certain extent, he suffered now from a continuous low-level headache, and without his loyal helpmeet providing him with both physical grounding and all the sentinel-friendly products he had grown used to – and taken for granted, truth be told - he was prone to rashes and the type of sensory spikes he had thought a thing of the past. He needed his guide and friend back, and not just for the sentinel stuff. The loft felt lonely and cold, and at night time the silence was deafening. 

As soon as he and Simon had returned from Seattle, they had concentrated on searching for leads, and their friends – and Blair’s – had volunteered their help also. H, Rafe, Megan and Joel all freely gave up their off-duty hours to phone around airlines, bus companies and the bank, plus hospitals, and even morgues, but so far with no useful results. Their wounded friend had gone to ground, and had made a good job of it. 

They had discovered that Blair had indeed closed his bank accounts, so that Simon’s tentative hope that he could be traced through his bank cards was well and truly quashed as he had expected. 

The only slightly hopeful lead came when Joel pulled up the passenger lists for Greyhound Coaches departing from stations in Washington State. One of them had a Jake Sanders on board, which Megan opined was just the type of variation on his real name that Sandy might have used, so she insisted that it was worth checking out. However, since the ticket was paid for in cash and no one claimed to recognise the picture of Blair they were shown it was discounted. Which was, as it turned out, a grave mistake, because that was indeed the pseudonym under which Blair had chosen to travel. And once again it was typical that the gentle and personable young man should unwittingly arouse peoples’ protective instincts even after just a passing acquaintance. In hindsight, Jim was to realise that if he’d gone in person to interview the staff and, more importantly, the bus driver, his senses might have told him whether or not they were actually telling the truth, but he was following up on another lead and had left it up to Megan and Joel to do in their spare time. 

But be that as it may, all other leads so far had failed to pan out, and Jim was forced to consider his last resort, which was to try and search out Naomi instead. Not that he intended to call her first. He had absolutely no doubt that she would refuse to reveal Blair’s whereabouts even if she knew where he was, so Jim intended to go and confront her in person instead. He wouldn’t give her the third degree, as such, because she was Blair’s Mom after all, whatever Jim thought of her. But he was certain that his senses could help him see through any of her obfuscations, and right now it was the only other thing he could think of. However, the contact details he had for her were out of date, so he figured that his best chance of tracking her down quickly would be by enlisting the help of Jack Kelso. 

And that in itself wasn’t going to be a pleasant task. Jim’s lips thinned in a wry grimace as he recalled their last meeting where he had been left in no doubt of the low opinion Kelso had of him.  


\-----------------------  


Shortly after his return from Seattle, Jim had decided that the ex-CIA agent would undoubtedly have more contacts and means than he did to enable him to trace Blair’s whereabouts. The trouble was that Jim had no idea what his reception would be, or how persuasive he would have to be to get Kelso on his side. But it had to be done, so he set out for the U, going straight to Kelso’s office as his sensory scan already confirmed that the man was present and alone. 

When he entered at Kelso’s invitation, the man himself had glared up at Jim from his wheelchair, managing to look angry, scathing and eminently dangerous despite his disability. 

“What are you doing here, Ellison?” he demanded ungraciously. “I would have thought that Rainier wouldn’t hold any attraction for you.” 

“I’m here because of Blair,” Jim replied, trying to contain his own anger. It wouldn’t do his cause any good if he pissed off Kelso any more than he obviously already had. “I want to find him, and I think you’ve probably got more means at your disposal than I do.” 

“And why would I do that?” Kelso responded sharply. 

“Because he was your friend,” Jim stated baldly. “And I thought you’d want to help him.” 

“ _Is_ my friend!” Kelso snapped. “And that’s why I don’t think I should be helping you. We both know he didn’t lie about that dissertation, _Sentinel Ellison,_ ” he sneered, “so why would I want to help bring him back so you can abuse him again?” 

Jim looked away then, his jaw tight as he fought for control. Of course Kelso would have figured it out. He’d been Blair’s friend and colleague for many years, and would undoubtedly have shared in the young man’s enthusiastic dreams and ambitions. And he at least had never had any trouble in believing in Blair’s integrity. But there was still hope that Jim could convince him that his desire to find Blair was genuine, and that would more likely be achieved if he explained what he and Simon wanted to do on Blair’s behalf; to give him a reason to return. And enlisting Kelso’s help for that would be crucial. So he bit the bullet and came clean, outlining his intentions and asking for Kelso’s input. 

It took a while, but eventually Kelso was convinced of his sincerity even if he didn’t quite believe how deeply it went. And by the time Jim left the office, he knew that Jack Kelso would help him, even though he had a sneaking suspicion that the man would put far more effort into the plans for ‘Reconstructing Sandburg’ than he would in tracing their friend to begin with.  


\-------------------------  


Once more Jim found himself at Kelso’s office door, and he mentally girded his loins to confront the man again, knowing that it was for Blair’s sake. Even if Kelso hadn’t yet been successful in tracing the young man, Jim guessed that tracking down his mother would be a far simpler task, because Naomi would be unlikely to have the same propensity to remain below the radar as did her offspring. 

When he entered this time, Jack’s expression was marginally more welcoming, but also a little evasive. “Detective Ellison, what can I do for you? I haven’t any more information for you yet.” 

“I gathered that, Kelso, or I’m sure you would have been in contact. But it’s been a while now, and I was getting concerned. I’ve had no luck either, so I wondered if you could help trace Blair’s Mom instead? I’m thinking that she’ll know more about his whereabouts, and I’d like to talk to her face-to-face, if you know what I mean?” 

Kelso regarded him thoughtfully for a moment, plainly understanding what Jim was getting at. “You could have a point, Ellison,” he said finally. “And yes, Naomi will be much easier to track, I’m certain. She might travel around a lot, but she still leaves a pretty good trail for those who know what to look for. But even if she does know where Blair is, I’d still like to know just what Blair might be coming back to?” 

Now it was Jim’s turn to study Kelso carefully, scanning the man with his senses. And while the ex-agent still had excellent control over his physiological responses, Jim still believed he could detect a slight uneasiness. Tilting his head to one side, he held Kelso’s gaze as he murmured, “Would I be right in thinking that you might have been deliberately dragging your feet in this search, Kelso?” And then, realising what he had said, he blushed slightly, glancing down at the wheelchair as he added, “Uh, no offence meant!” 

Kelso grinned unaffectedly then. “None taken, Ellison. And yes, you’d be right, to a certain extent,” he conceded a little shame-facedly. “Despite what you outlined the last time you visited, I need to know that it wasn’t just good intentions and hot air. Tell me what progress you’ve made.” 

Jim nodded then, and took the seat Kelso indicated. “Fair enough. I take your point, even if it pains me to admit it. So, here goes. Blair trusts you, so I’m going to do the same. He’s always been a good judge of character, even if I always tell him he’s too soft-hearted. Still looking for the good in people even after all those years hanging out with me,” he chuckled ruefully. 

“Anyhow, this is what’s happening so far, and I dare to say that everything is in place for his return. If he wants it, that is. I’m not going to try and force him if that’s what you’re thinking. This time it’ll be his choice. I just pray that he’ll be able to forgive my behaviour towards him.” 

“I don’t think there’s any question of that, Ellison. Blair worships the ground you walk on even after all he’s been through. Which is why he’s always been so easy to take advantage of,” Kelso added reprovingly. 

Jim nodded in wry assent. “Yeah, I know. It’s taken a while, but between you, Simon and just about everyone else in Major Crimes, I’ve been shown in no uncertain terms that it’s not all about me. 

“Anyway, this is what’s been done already. Simon and I went to the Chief and Commissioner, and I came clean about the senses. Not fully, as I had no intention of letting on just how good they really are. Just did a few party tricks to impress them. And then we explained what Blair does for me. They weren’t happy about being kept in the dark, but in a way they were relieved. They never really approved of the badge offer. Seems like it was only me and Simon who thought it was an option! But they both said that they wanted to get their best team together again, and since Blair didn’t lie after all, they were prepared to concoct a cover story which didn’t compromise my anonymity. It’s only the truth after all. Just not the whole truth! 

“So, they’re prepared to make a televised Missing Person appeal to trace Blair, while clearing his name at the same time. They’re going to say that after parts of Blair’s ‘novel’, which was loosely based on my work, were revealed against his wishes, he was forced to make that press conference in order to get the newshounds off my back during an on-going investigation. Knowing the Chief, he’ll probably lambast the media for making a circus of the whole affair and obstructing the course of justice. And then he’ll make sure that Blair is acknowledged as the honest and ethical person he actually is. On top of that, they’ve told me that they’ll create an official consultant’s position for him at the PD should he want it. All in all, we’re hoping that it’ll be enough to quash everyone’s suspicions and give Blair his credibility back. 

“And, uh, there’s something else too. I asked my Dad’s legal eagles to start proceedings against Berkshire Publishing in Blair’s name for the illegal leaking of his work, and they came up with an offer for an out-of-court settlement. I’ve just received the check, and I think Blair will be more than satisfied. It’s not mega-bucks, but I’m sure it’ll cover all his student loans, so even if he decides he doesn’t want to take up the job at the PD, he can at least start with a clean slate and a bit of money in his pocket. And I should add,” he continued with a wicked grin, “Sid Graham no longer works for Berkshire Publishing!” 

While he was speaking, Kelso had been studying him carefully, and by the end of his description, he was finally offering Jim a genuine smile of approval. “It seems as if I’ve misjudged you, Jim, I’m glad to say. That’s all very good news, so now I’ll tell you what’s been going on here too. I’m thinking that between us and TPTB we might have managed to clear Blair’s name and reputation enough so that even if he prefers not to return to Cascade, he won’t have quite such a black cloud hanging over him. 

“So, with the help of Eli – Dr Stoddard, that is – and a few other like-minded colleagues, this is what we’ve managed to achieve. We both know that Blair didn’t lie, but neither did we really expect him to actually submit the ‘Sentinel’ paper after all in order to protect you. And he didn’t. Now, the Dean and I go way back,” he continued meaningfully, “so he knows that I meant what I said when I told him I was going to do everything I could to restore Blair’s academic credibility. Chancellor Edwards had no right to disseminate Blair’s intellectual property any more than did Sid Graham, so if anything, it was her that damaged Rainier’s reputation, not Blair. She also had no legal grounds for dismissing him, and this is what I’ve stressed to the Dean and the Board of Governors. The upshot is that they have – somewhat grudgingly – admitted that she should be made to offer a public apology. And if it coincides with the Chief’s press release, all the better. That said, I don’t think even now that they’ll go as far as to reinstate Blair as a TA, but I’ve strongly suggested that he be allowed to submit the paper after all on the proviso that its contents remains sealed for a minimum of fifteen years. He deserves that doctorate, Jim. He’s worked damned hard for it.” 

Jim nodded sombrely. “You’re right, he has. And if I wasn’t still so goddamned worried about coming out as a sentinel, none of this would have happened in the first place. I _know_ that, and I’m not proud of it. But it is what it is. I don’t want people to see me as some sort of freak, and I sure as hell don’t want the bad guys to figure out how to use my senses against me. Blair’s always insisted that it’s a gift to be proud of, but I can’t see it that way. But you know, once he said that it was who I am. And I bit his head off, telling him that I didn’t need him to define me. But he didn’t mean it like that. He was simply stating a fact. It _is_ who I am if I choose to be. And as long as he comes back, I’ll try to live up to his expectations. I might not have wanted to be his idol – and I sure as hell don’t deserve it – but I’ve found out the hard way what it’s like to live without him, and I don’t want to do it anymore.” 

Kelso regarded him appraisingly, then said quietly, “Thank you for your candour, Jim. If it’s any comfort to you, I’m beginning to understand what Blair sees in you. Don’t despair yet. He’s a good man, even if it’s often to his own detriment. It’s his selflessness that got him where he is, but we can try and make it right. We’ll get those press releases under way, and I’m going to get right onto tracing Naomi. Expect to hear from me very soon.” 

Rising to his feet, Jim held out his hand to Kelso. “Thanks, Jack. I appreciate it.” 

And they both knew he was utterly sincere.  



	6. Return to Eden

**Part 6: Return to Eden:**  


Six weeks previously, Santa Fe:   


The coach journey from the Seattle area to Santa Fe wasn’t exactly direct, so it took Blair – aka Jake Sanders – almost three days to complete. For the most part, he wasn’t too troubled. Travelling under his assumed name, he kept his fellow passengers entertained with tall tales and interesting anecdotes without giving away a single personal detail, and they were charmed by his friendly helpfulness. However, the first time he fell asleep properly, he woke up to a screaming nightmare of humongous proportions, and although for the most part his travelling companions were sympathetic and understanding, it embarrassed him so much that he tried thereafter to stay awake as much as possible, only cat-napping lightly when he could no longer keep his eyes open. It was therefore an exhausted and dishevelled young man who disembarked at Santa Fe, to be met by Naomi. 

Hurrying to meet him, Naomi was shocked at his appearance. Her beloved son was barely recognisable compared to the last time she had seen him, and not just because of the short curls. His face was haggard and drawn with tension and tiredness, the big blue eyes shadowed and bruised-looking, and she could tell he had lost a considerable amount of weight. To her eyes, his aura was dull and ragged; far, far worse than it had been the last time she saw him in Cascade. However, he still attempted to smile, and she hugged him hard, her heart breaking for the profound sadness and hurt that nearly oozed out of his pores. She could hardly bear to imagine what horrors he had lived through since their last meeting, but she was guiltily certain that a lot of them would be due to the aftermath of her misguided interference in his affairs, and she knew she would never forgive herself for that, even if he claimed to have forgiven her. Nevertheless, when she held him at arm’s length to study his face, he still tried to look up-beat for her, as ever loath to upset her more than he could help. 

Smiling in return, she gently touched his cheek. “You look terrible, honey!” she murmured with a wry grimace. “What have you been doing to yourself?” 

“Gee, thanks, Ma!” he responded, trying for humorous affront. “You’re supposed to say I look great!” 

“That too, Sweetie,” she chuckled sadly, “but still terrible. But we’ll soon do something about that. Come on, Sweetie. My car’s parked just over there in the pickup zone,” and she wrapped her arm around his waist as she urged him towards it. 

As soon as he had thrown his battered duffle onto the back seat of her Prius, and settled himself in the front passenger seat, she set off immediately, chatting cheerfully as she drove. 

“You’re going to love where we’re staying, Sweetie!” she enthused. “Eden Cottage is in the grounds of a gorgeous property of the same name that’s owned by my dear friends, Fernando and Marisol DeLuca. Such kind and beautiful people! You’ve met them before, baby, only you’ll remember them as Sunflower and Willowbark….” She trailed off as a sideways glance told her that her words were falling on deaf ears. Blair had fallen deeply asleep almost as soon as they had set off, but she wasn’t at all offended. Indeed, she was deeply gratified that he obviously felt able to let go completely and relax in her company. It was plainly what he desperately needed, and she determined there and then that she would do everything she could; whatever it took; to enable her beloved son’s physical and spiritual healing. It was her duty, and she embraced it willingly. 

And she was still certain that this was the perfect location in which to do it.  


\-------------------------  


It was around lunchtime the following day before Blair woke properly again. The previous evening, Naomi had barely managed to rouse him enough to get out of the car and take a quick trip to the bathroom before he collapsed onto his bed, out for the count again before his head hit the pillow. She checked on him on several occasions, a little concerned at the soundness of his slumber, but generally glad that he was finally getting the kind of real, healing rest his body plainly demanded. Judging by his stillness, any dreams he experienced were of the non-frightening variety, and although he was still heavy-eyed and lethargic when he first woke, he still looked infinitely better to her than the night before, even with heavy beard stubble and in desperate need of a shower. 

She smiled fondly at him as he staggered from bedroom to bathroom apparently on instinctive autopilot, and then to the pretty, sun-bright kitchen where she sat waiting for him with a pot of fresh coffee. She knew her son of old, and although they both liked herbal teas, it was always the Nectar of the Gods that kick-started her boy into hyper-mode. Not that he was likely to be hyper today, or perhaps for a good while to come, but she knew he’d appreciate the beverage anyway. 

“Good morning, Sweetie,” she greeted him brightly. “Or should I say ‘afternoon’? You’ve been out for the count for a good seventeen hours, honey, so you really must have needed it. How do you feel?” As she talked, she poured him a mug of coffee, and he grasped it like a dehydrated desert traveller would a jug of water. 

“Thanks, Mom,” he managed, taking a huge, appreciative sniff then downing half of it in one go. “That hit the spot. Can I have a refill?” 

“Of course you can, Sweetie,” and as she poured him another mugful, she watched fascinated as the light returned to his eyes, and the wake-up process got fully underway. After ten minutes or so, Blair was able to smile a little wanly at her, the gratitude in his eyes clear to see. 

“Thanks for this, Mom,” he murmured, and she knew he meant for more than just the coffee. 

“You’re more than welcome, baby,” she replied warmly. “I so want this place to work for you like it’s done for me. I can tell you need to process, recharge and find your way again, and I’m so sorry for my part in you losing it in the first place. When you’ve showered and changed, and we’ve had some lunch together, perhaps you’d like for me to show you around? Introduce you to our friends?” 

In truth, Blair would have preferred to have a few more hours to himself before interacting with their hosts, however kindly they were, but he could see the hope in Naomi’s eyes, and as ever, he couldn’t deny her. 

“Sounds like a plan, Ma,” he answered good-naturedly, glad when she beamed at him, her pride in him obvious even if he thought it misplaced.  


\------------------------------  


A couple of hours later, they were ready to venture out. To his great surprise and pleasure, Naomi had gone to the trouble of cooking tongue for him, and although he didn’t have the appetite yet to do it justice, he appreciated the gesture, and told her so. They had made inconsequential small-talk throughout the amicable meal, Naomi realising instinctively that it wasn’t the time to pressure her soul-weary son into unwanted emotional blood-letting. However, as he was already flagging, despite the long hours of sleep he had just enjoyed, they decided that if he was going to be shown around the property and meet the owners, it had better be soon before he wilted again. 

Setting out together in the warm sunshine, as she had hoped, Blair was suitably impressed by the great climate and beautiful surroundings, his interest piqued despite himself. 

“This is a great property, Naomi,” he murmured in admiration. “The main house is pretty spectacular, even though it doesn’t look pretentious. The cottage is as pretty as you said it would be, and as for the garden, well, all I can say is that when they called it ‘Eden’, they weren’t kidding!” 

Naomi beamed at him, so happy that his first impression was so positive. “That’s true, honey,” she replied, squeezing his arm affectionately. “And not an evil serpent in sight! Well, except for a rattlesnake or two, perhaps,” and she laughed gaily. “Willowbark – that is, Fernando – inherited the place from his wealthy parents when they died prematurely in a light aircraft crash. Back then, we were all seriously into the whole ‘flower child’ gig, and the last thing he wanted or needed was the responsibility of running a place like this. But Sunflower – Marisol – persuaded him to keep it. She said that he could use his inheritance to benefit others, and that she would help him to do it. 

“And that’s what they did. Fernando continued with his college education, majoring in law, while Marisol studied Fine Arts. She specialised in sculpture, and created most of the beautiful pieces you can see in the grounds.” 

“Wow,” Blair breathed, suitably impressed. “She really is talented, isn’t she? Is she still creating stuff like this?” and he ran an appreciative hand over a stunning piece of abstract art nestling among a colourful display of desert flora. 

“Yep, and sometimes she can even be prevailed upon to sell the occasional piece,” Naomi answered with a fond chuckle. 

“So, what about Fernando?” Blair felt compelled to ask. “Does running this place take up all his time now?” 

“No, Sweetie!” Naomi laughed. “Not that it doesn’t take up a sizeable chunk of it. Both of them knew as soon as they moved in that it had the potential to be the most beautiful garden, and they’ve striven to make it so ever since. They wanted to create a place where anyone who needed it could come and find peace and tranquillity. 

“But Fernando still finished his Bachelor’s, his post-grad studies specialising in civil law. And after he passed the Bar, he dedicated himself to looking out for the rights of the local Native Americans on the Res, and the poor of Santa Fe. He works tirelessly for those who can’t afford to defend themselves. 

“Having said that, it’s getting to be very hard for them now, so they’re only too happy to allow friends like me to come stay with them for free, in the hope that their guests will help them in the grounds. And that’s what I’ve been doing, Sweetie. And loving it!” 

Blair nodded slowly. He was so down with that. Such generosity should be rewarded by willing labour, and he could also see the benefit to the guests. It was the sort of place he could envisage himself working in, losing himself in the physical attraction of tilling the soil and nurturing plants. Helping to create and maintain a beautiful act of homage to the Goddess of Nature, and receiving her blessing in the form of calm and self-rediscovery in return. 

However, before he could form a suitable answer, they were quietly interrupted by the arrival of the owners, and Blair gazed in honest interest at the smiling couple who appeared before them. 

Looking from one to the other, he could still see the youthful hippies Willowbark and Sunflower from his childhood recollection in their mature forms, and his smile was one of genuine admiration for the sight that now met his eyes. 

Fernando – ‘Willowbark’ – was a tall, impressive figure. Standing at least six foot tall, his breadth of shoulder matched Jim’s, even if the musculature was less defined. His attractive, regular features wore an expression of gentle affability, although the grey eyes were sharply intelligent, and missed nothing. 

And as for Marisol ‘Sunflower’, Blair knew he could never have mistaken her for anyone else. As she smiled softly down at him from a couple of inches above his own height, it was easy to recall the raven-haired beauty of his childhood visits. But despite the still long but now iron grey hair pulled back in a waist-length plait and the soft lines of advancing years in her tanned face, she was still beautiful. Not for her the panicked resorting to plastic surgery and potions to try and cling to a fading youth. She was plainly comfortable with the onset of old age, and looked the better for it. 

And the wisdom and affection in the twinkling dark brown eyes that regarded him so steadily told him that she recognised and understood far more about him than he might normally be comfortable with. 

Placing her hands on his shoulders, they communicated wordlessly for a long moment as she stroked along his jaw with her thumb. Her hands were those of an artisan, calloused and with short-clipped nails, but her touch was gentle. “It’s so good to see you again, Blair,” she murmured. “And still beautiful! You always were one of the most beautiful children I’ve ever seen.” 

Blair pinked in embarrassment, trying to quell the urge to shuffle his feet like a little kid. “That’s really nice of you to say, Marisol, even if I can’t quite believe it. Um, but I’m calling myself Jake Sanders these days,” he added awkwardly. “I…uh…don’t want to be recognised.” 

Marisol nodded in understanding. “Blair Jacob Sandburg – Jake Sanders – sounds about right, and we’ll remember that should anyone come asking! But you should know that you are welcome to stay here for as long as you need. Your pain runs deep, Jake, and you have much to think through. Do you think that working with the soil will help you?” 

Blair looked away for a moment, momentarily uncomfortable beneath her scrutiny. He felt the stirring of an empathic link between them, and wanted to welcome it, but was still too wounded to trust anyone with his thoughts and feelings yet, if ever again. To lay himself open to more pain and ridicule would be foolish indeed. But then he straightened his shoulders and met her perspicacious gaze again, giving her the best answer he could. “Yes, I do. I think I feel a connection with the earth, and a need to lose myself in working to help create something of natural beauty rather than pursue personal ambition for a while. Perhaps that way I’ll be able to discover my true value – or lack of it.” 

Marisol shocked him then with her softly-spoken but assured response. “That’s the shaman in you, Jake. You have more power than you know, and maybe this is where you’ll recognise and develop it. But we’ll leave you two to carry on with your walk. Come join us for supper tonight?” 

His weary brain slightly bemused by the abrupt change of subject, Blair was lost for a reply for a moment, but Naomi answered for them. 

“That would be lovely, Marisol! We’ll see you both later then. What sort of time should we arrive?” 

“Oh, around 8.00 –ish will be fine,” Fernando spoke up with a smile, having watched the proceedings with interest. “I think Jake might like another hour or so’s rest before then?” and he grinned amiably down at the smaller man. 

“Thanks, man. I appreciate it,” Blair responded with a rueful grin. “I’m not usually so lethargic, and I intend to earn my keep. Just give me a day or two to get my act together, huh?” 

“All the time you need, son. Take all the time you need,” and the older pair turned away to stroll back towards the main house arm in arm, in perfect harmony. 

Blair turned to face Naomi. “Well, that was different,” he muttered. “I remember them so well, and they’ve done great work here. But all that shaman stuff? I don’t know what Marisol was implying. I’m no shaman!” 

Naomi didn’t answer at once, but she did study her son carefully for a moment. “We’ll see, Sweetie. Marisol is a very enlightened soul. Don’t discount anything she says out of hand, honey.” 

But Blair just shook his head and started to walk again. That whole shaman deal was something he really didn’t want to revisit. When Incacha supposedly passed the Way of the Shaman to him on his deathbed, Blair had been both excited and terrified. But Jim had instantly dismissed the notion as rubbish, and Blair had schooled himself to forget all about it. Or at least ignore as unimportant. And hell, he had enough on his plate right now without additional spiritual baggage, and that was an end to it. 

Naomi strolled alongside him, and linked her arm through his, tactfully respecting his silence for a while before saying artlessly, “So, was I right then, Sweetie? Isn’t this the perfect place to rediscover yourself?” 

And Blair just had to grin at her gentle ingenuousness. “Yes, Ma. I think you’re right. Again!”  



	7. Progress

**Part 7: Progress:**  


Over the next few weeks, Blair and Naomi fell into a pleasant and mutually satisfying routine, and before too long there were noticeable improvements in Blair’s condition, both in physical and spiritual terms. Both worked cheerfully and tirelessly at any gardening projects they were given, whether simple weeding and maintenance, or in Blair’s case, actually labouring to prepare the ground for new floral displays and vegetable beds. In between times, they either kept to themselves or mixed with their hosts and visiting friends, depending on their inclination at the time. Naomi had also persuaded Blair to take up meditating with her again, and he was forced to admit that he found it helpful and relaxing. 

Although not as keen as it once was, his appetite had improved, and the physical labour and warm climate meant that he was fitter than perhaps he’d ever been, although it was a wiry, whipcord fitness with no surplus fat to be seen. He was also generally sleeping better, with fewer nights disturbed by thoughts of Jim, although the sentinel remained buried deep within him, the loss of his friend as painful as ever when the memories snuck up on him unawares. His skin was tan, and his hair growing out again, such that one who didn’t know him better might be forgiven in thinking that he was well on the mend. 

However, he was so much quieter and more self-contained now, and it pained Naomi to note the changes in her previously gregarious, inquisitive, hyperactive bundle of enthusiasm and joy. It was as if a vital spark had been snuffed out within his spirit, and she had no idea what, if anything, could be done to reignite it. They talked, either with their hosts or between themselves, sometimes far into the night; discussing all manner of topics whether earth-shattering or mundane, and Blair always gave as good as he got, but he never strayed into personal territory, and kept whatever hopes and dreams he still harboured to himself. Naomi fancied that it was as if part of her son’s very heart and soul were missing in action somewhere, and she had the unsettling feeling that they still resided within Jim Ellison. 

Then again, Blair did find himself gradually taking interest in more than just his gardening after a while. He was, after all, still very much the anthropologist, and even at his lowest ebb couldn’t help but interact with any people with whom he came into contact. He was frequently joined in the garden by individuals who were volunteering their time in grateful exchange for the legal work Fernando provided for them, and Blair was happy to put aside his own problems in favour of listening to their sometimes sad and disturbing stories. He was ever a good and sympathetic listener, and sometimes was even able to offer comfort and advice, which was always gratefully received. 

Thus it was that after a couple of weeks or so, he diffidently asked if he could accompany Fernando when he made his routine trips both into Santa Fe and to the Reservation on Wednesdays and Fridays to see if he could offer any assistance. Taking the request as evidence of Blair’s growing need to start facing the world again, Fernando agreed with alacrity, and both Marisol and Naomi shared a tentative hope that the young man was finally over the worst of his disillusionment.  


\----------------------------  


The first Wednesday trip into one of Santa Fe’s more run-down areas was fascinating for Blair. During the drive to Fernando’s office, he and the older man had discussed in general terms what Blair could expect to encounter, nothing of which posed any real surprises to Blair. His years of travelling, studying and then tagging along after Jim had provided him with a far greater range of experiences than most people would ever encounter, and he was far from naïve when it came to the dire situations in which the poorest and displaced members of society often found themselves. For sure, ideally he still wished to look for the bright side in any situation – at least, until recently – but he knew from bitter experience now that more often than not, there was no ‘bright side’ to be seen. 

However, that only made him even more determined to do whatever he could to help, and that was what he told Fernando. 

Fernando was only too glad to accept his young guest’s sincere offer, since he had a fair idea of what Blair was capable from Naomi’s regular updates over the years. The young man might well not recognise anything special in himself. If anything, the opposite seemed to be true as, according to his mother, his chronic lack of self-esteem now hovered nearer the surface than ever before since the previously reliable reassurance of his intellectual prowess had been shot down in flames. And how desperately guilty she still felt about instigating _that_ disaster. But as far as Fernando and Marisol were concerned, Naomi hadn’t been exaggerating when it came to her son’s social and academic achievements, and now they had seen for themselves just what a gentle, intelligent and empathic soul he truly was. The quick-witted, bright-eyed little boy they recalled from their early encounters had matured into a beautiful, sensitive and enlightened man. Emotionally damaged and much more self-contained now for sure, through no fault of his own, but still with so much potential to fulfil, and hidden depths of resilience and determination which might surprise those who couldn’t see beyond the almost too-pretty exterior. He would be an asset to Fernando’s practice which the older man had every intention of utilising to the full, knowing that he wasn’t exploiting his willing volunteer. Because it was to be hoped that Blair would benefit also from the social interaction that had been so great a part of his life up until now, the anthropologist in him needing to be nourished along with his desire to be useful. 

“OK, here we are. Home from home!” Fernando murmured sardonically as he pulled up outside a shabby unit in an ugly strip mall. His office was bracketed by a Bail Bond shop on one side and a boarded-up newsagent’s on the other. Thrift shops and a couple fast food joints occupied most of the other units, and at the far end of the strip, the most prosperous-looking of the units was a pawn shop and gun dealer’s. The windows and doors of all the occupied units were heavily protected with screens and bars, but there was a fair amount of wind-blown trash and graffiti everywhere, and weeds poked through the cracked concrete of the parking lot and sidewalk. All in all, it was a pretty depressing place despite the bright sunshine, but about as Blair had expected. 

“The parts the tourists don’t see,” observed Blair quietly, gazing around him. “Do you think there’ll be much custom today?” 

“Possibly,” Fernando replied. “Over the past couple of weeks it’s been surprisingly quiet, but that often means it’s the calm before the storm. The majority of the neighbourhood’s local population is Hispanic or Native American, and they tend to be employed either as unskilled domestic labour or seasonal agricultural labour. With the tourist season about to really get underway, I’m sure there’ll be some disputes on the horizon involving unscrupulous employers exploiting illegal immigrants. Maybe some illegal evictions too. Let’s go find out!” and he climbed down from his battered SUV and retrieved his briefcase from the back seat while Blair let himself out of the passenger side. Fernando locked the car and then accompanied Blair to the office door, which he unlocked using a keypad plus regular locks; disabling the sophisticated burglar alarm on entry. He grinned down at Blair as he did so, a wry expression on his face as he said, “Better being prepared! That’s why the old junker outside too. Who’d want to steal or trash a car like that?” 

Blair smiled back. “I hear you, man!” he said, and then turned to view the interior of the unit. 

The décor was bland and the fixtures and fittings utilitarian, but it was clean and as bright as the boxy design allowed. To the rear behind a half screen, Fernando’s desk was plain and solid, his desk chair no better quality than those supplied for his clients in the front waiting area, and the tiny restroom was again basic but clean and functional. Heavy-duty, government-surplus filing cabinets and bookshelves held necessary paperwork and legal tomes, although Fernando told Blair that he preferred to take particularly sensitive paperwork home with him rather than leave it here, even locked away in the cabinets. That went for the majority of his expensive law texts, which he kept in his large, well-stocked home library. No point in leaving anything here that might tempt wannabe burglars, which was also why his PC, desk phone and other office equipment were fit for purpose but deliberately unremarkable and relatively inexpensive. 

All in all, it was a low-key but efficient space, and Blair nodded his approval. 

For the first hour or so, it was quiet, which gave Fernando time to show Blair around properly and give him a run-down on the sort of help he might be asked to provide. Blair absorbed everything and took it in his stride, well used to thinking on his feet and quickly grasping the basics of everything he was shown. Which was just as well, because as the day progressed, it appeared that Fernando’s prediction was only too accurate, and there was a steady trickle of clients to keep them both busy. 

Blair found himself fully occupied in many ways, from offering comfort to distressed women – and the occasional man – to entertaining toddlers while their parents consulted with Fernando. He did filing, made coffee, did database research as directed and answered the telephone, and he loved every minute. It mattered not one whit that it was mostly grunt work. By the end of the day, he felt a quiet buzz of satisfaction that he had been of some material use to his host; a feeling justified when Fernando thanked him sincerely for that very thing.  


\--------------------------------  


That Friday he accompanied Fernando to the Res, and that turned out to be even more of an eye-opener for Blair, albeit for a completely different reason. The reservation near Santa Fe was the home of the remnants of several tribes of Tewa pueblo Indians. Although the State of New Mexico had one of the largest remaining populations of Native Americans after California and Arizona, there was still a lot of poverty and prejudice surrounding them, and Fernando was more than willing to offer his services where needed, usually on a pro bono basis. As he explained ruefully to Blair, his Spanish ancestors caused most of the problems encountered by the pueblo tribes back in the seventeenth century when they captured New Spain, as they called it back then, exploiting the pueblos and forcing their religion on the people. And even after the uprising of 1680, when the tribes united to drive the Spanish temporarily back down to El Paso, the damage was done insofar as their influence had permanently altered the local cultures, and not necessarily for the good. Consequently, Fernando considered it his duty to try and do his bit to alleviate some of the pressures under which the modern tribespeople frequently laboured. 

Certainly, the reservation had its own law enforcement agency, but legal expertise and advice were always needed, especially when freely offered, and by now Fernando had earned the respect of most of the tribal elders. 

Now Blair had always been fascinated by Native American culture in its myriad forms, and as a child he had already encountered the Zuni, Hopi and Apache tribes in New Mexico as well as the Tewa, and he was looking forward to renewing his acquaintance with the pueblo peoples. And if he could help Fernando in any way, as he had done in Santa Fe, he was more than willing to do so. 

As they drove through the gates into the reservation territory, Fernando pulled up alongside a parked F350 bearing the livery of the tribal Sheriff’s Department. Winding down his window, he greeted the single occupant warmly. The uniformed officer was plainly a big man, his long black hair tied back in a ponytail at his nape, and his broad-featured, mahogany-toned face weathered and unsmiling. 

“Hey, Deputy Stalking Bear! How’re you today? Anything I need to know going in?” 

The big deputy returned his smile with a mere tightening of his lips, but shook his head. “Nah, nothing serious to report so far, DeLuca. Just the same stuff as ever. Then again, you’ll probably be getting a visit from Ma Swift Water. Her kid’s been caught vandalising the schoolhouse again, and Miz Becca says she wants him charged this time. Sheriff’s going to see if he can persuade her to change her mind, but it don’t look good.” 

Fernando grimaced wryly. “Guess I’ll be seeing him too then. By the way, this is my friend Jake Sanders. He’s staying with us a while, and he offered to come and give me a hand.” 

He leaned back so that the deputy could see past him to where Blair sat beside him, and Blair offered a half wave and a friendly smile. “Hi, Deputy. Pleased to meet you, man. It’s been a while since I was down here last.” 

The other man regarded him with interest, his expression giving nothing away. However, just before Blair gave in to the urge to squirm in his seat in discomfort, the other man nodded once as if coming to a decision. 

“Welcome to the Res, kid. Doubt if it’ll have changed much over the years, but it’s home. 

“See you around, DeLuca – Sanders!” and he started up the big truck and pulled away with a brief wave. 

Fernando grinned as he turned to face Blair. “We’re lucky. We caught him on a good day. Stalking Bear’s a stand-up guy and a good lawman, but he’s not known for his social graces. He must have liked the look of you!” 

Blair offered him a rueful grin. “If that’s him on a good day, I’d hate to get on his wrong side. But he looks a solid guy. 

“So, do you think you’re going to have to advise this kid of Ma Swift Water’s, then?” 

“Yep, almost certainly,” Fernando replied with a pained smile. “It won’t be the first time!”  


\-----------------------------  


As they continued to drive to the pueblo village where Fernando had another small office adjoining the Sheriff’s Department, Blair gazed about him in interest. The passing scenery brought back so many childhood memories, with the reds of the rocky outcrops contrasting with the cobalt blue sky. He had always loved the geology of the area, and needless to say, appreciated the heat too. Which made it all the more strange that he should have chosen to study somewhere as wet and cold as Cascade in the Pacific North West. However, he swiftly clamped down on that train of thought, because it would inevitably lead to him thinking about Jim, and that he couldn’t afford to do if he wanted to hold on to his present more up-beat mood. 

Arriving at the village, Fernando drove down the main street until he reached a solid, adobe structure standing a little back from the other buildings and surrounded by an open area. The signage denoted it as the Sheriff’s Department, and Fernando pulled into one of the parking spaces at front. 

“My ‘office’, if you can call it that, is around the side,” he announced. “It’s even smaller than the one in town, but it’s convenient, and I’m not complaining. And it’s right next door to the lock-up,” he added with a smirk. “So I don’t have to travel far to see most of my clients!” 

Blair chuckled delightedly, and Fernando was quietly gratified to see this tantalising hint of his young friend’s real character. He just hoped that more and more of Blair’s attractive personality would emerge as the day went on.  


\------------------------------  


As it turned out, the day passed just as busily as in town a couple of days previously, and Blair was fascinated by the range of problems brought to Fernando’s door. Despite his earlier joke about the proximity of the jailhouse, Fernando specialised in civil rather than criminal law, but that didn’t prevent him from helping anyone who approached him if he could possibly be of assistance. More often than not, he had to mediate between clients in cases such as boundary disputes or grazing rights, but on occasion he had to deal with cases such as the vandalism charge against Ma Swift Water’s son, or sometimes even more serious cases involving assault or theft or disputes between employees and the owners of the big casino nearby. 

That day, Blair once again did whatever he was asked, but in the case of Ma’s son Richie White Hawk, he was particularly useful. When mother and son turned up at the office, shortly before the arrival of the schoolteacher, Miz Becca, Blair suggested diffidently that he take Richie aside for a quiet chat. Nodding in encouragement, Fernando agreed, so that, while he was mediating between mother and teacher, Blair gently probed into Richie’s character, hoping to get to the bottom of the boy’s reasons for damaging the schoolhouse. 

Although at first resentful and belligerent, it didn’t take long for Blair to win him over, and eventually Richie admitted that it was sheer frustration that made him throw paint over the building and break a few windows. Blair soon surmised that although not at all stupid, Richie was dyslexic, and found learning difficult. And apparently the teacher was either ignorant of the fact, or simply disinclined to give him any extra help, hence his rebellion. 

Nodding in understanding, Blair told him that he believed him, and that he would do his best to see if he could persuade the teacher to give Richie a little more leeway, because the boy wanted to learn. There was absolutely no question of that. 

When the pair returned to the office, Blair quietly explained the problem, being careful not to apportion blame or criticism where it might cause resentment and indignation. Turning on the charm, he completely won over Miz Becca, who was actually far more open and accepting than he had feared as regards misunderstanding Richie’s learning difficulties, and after a longer period of productive, general discussion, a compromise was reached. Richie agreed to spend time fixing up the damage he’d done, and Miz Becca promised to spend more time helping him with his basic reading and writing so he could catch up a bit with his peers. 

All in all, it was a hopeful outcome, and Fernando had no problem telling Blair how much he appreciated the young man’s help and intuition. Teaching was something at which Blair was particularly gifted, and his empathy with young minds was unquestionable. 

Blair smiled shyly at the praise, pleased despite his poor attempt at shrugging it off. It was true after all that he needed to help people. It was in his nature, which was one of the reasons why he had so enjoyed riding with Jim. He really felt that he had made a difference, although it pained him to admit that he had hardly ever been given the recognition or thanks that he deserved. More often than not Jim simply took his contribution for granted, and Blair had lost count of the number of times Simon had told him, ‘You’re not a cop, Sandburg!’ However, even though his efforts on Fernando’s behalf were low-key and of relatively minor importance, yet the fact that the older man took the time to thank him did a great deal for his self-confidence. 

It was just a pity that Fernando could see right through him, and understood only too well how his young friend eagerly absorbed even mild praise like the proverbial thirsty sponge.  


\-------------------------  


It was when Fernando and Blair were closing up the office for the day and looking forward to driving back to Eden that Blair had an even greater surprise, and it certainly wasn’t anything he could have foreseen. 

Exiting the building in the evening sunshine, the two men saw an elderly man sitting comfortably on the stoop in front of the Sheriff’s Office, chatting desultorily with the man himself. Blair had been introduced to Sheriff Running Horse earlier, and had liked what he had seen of the tall, rangy and somewhat enigmatic lawman. However, his interest was even more piqued at the sight of the Sheriff’s white-haired, wizened companion, struck inexplicably by the feeling that they had met before. And when the old man turned a dark-eyed, knowing gaze in his direction, Blair suddenly felt an urge to run. 

However, the soul-searching, dark eyes held him rooted to the spot, and he swallowed hard even as he was aware of Fernando’s quizzical enquiry. 

“You OK, Bl…Jake?” he murmured, taking Blair’s elbow in a gentle grasp. “You look like you’ve seen a ghost!” 

Blair tore his eyes away from the old Indian for a moment, and glanced up at Fernando. “Ah…yeah. I’m OK, Fernando. Just felt like someone walked over my grave, you know?” and he chuckled wryly – and totally unconvincingly. 

He turned to look at the old man again, peripherally noting when the Sheriff stood nonchalantly and went back inside, but not without first offering Blair a knowing half-grin. 

“I’m sorry, Old Father,” Blair began politely, “but do I know you? Did I do something to offend you?” 

The old man smiled at that, his dark eyes twinkling with restrained mirth now. “No, Young Wolf. No offence. Although I had expected you to return long before this!” 

Completely baffled now, Blair sat without complaint where the old man indicated, and Fernando quietly followed suit, seating himself behind Blair, but with no intention of leaving his young friend alone. 

The old man regarded Blair for a moment longer, then shook his head in fond exasperation. “You have come far, Young Wolf, but you have not heeded what you were told, have you?” 

Blair frowned in bemusement. “What I was told? I’m sorry, Old Father, but I don’t know what you mean. If we met, it would have been more than twenty years ago, when I was travelling around New Mexico with my mother Naomi. But maybe I _do_ remember something?” he murmured, almost to himself. “I remember a cabin, and visiting with someone. Someone who told me stories about the local tribe and their shaman. Was that you?” 

The old man smiled in satisfaction. “Yes, Young Wolf, it was. And back then I told you about the power of the shaman, because I could see it in you. I knew you were destined to be the companion of a Watchman, but things have not been easy for you have they? You have faced death, and defeated it, with the help of your Watchman, but yet you have not bound yourself to him. Why is that?” 

By now Blair was both frightened and confused, and shook his head in automatic denial. “Oh no, Old Father. I’m no shaman. And I have no Watchman. He doesn’t need me, and doesn’t believe in the power of the shaman. At least, he doesn’t believe that _I_ have it,” he finished sadly, and turned his face away for a moment, ashamed of his hurt. 

“Then you must make him, Young Wolf!” the old man snapped, his expression and tone brooking no argument. “He was in denial, to be sure, because he was afraid. But he will return to you in time, and when he does, you must make him listen and believe. And then you will achieve all that you should together. That is how it should be, and will be, if you desire it enough. Now, go and think on what I have said, and remember. Remember the young boy with the old soul in whom I saw such great potential, and believe in yourself. 

“It is not yet too late,” and with that he rose to his feet, still upright and impressive despite his years, and suddenly Blair did recognise him. 

“Thank you, Black Eagle. I don’t know whether I can do what you ask. Much will depend on J…my…uh…Watchman. He has never wanted his gift, and says he doesn’t need me. But I know that it would be a dream come true for me,” and he offered the old man a sad smile, a faraway look in his eyes. 

Black Eagle nodded sharply. “Dreams can come true, Young Wolf, if you want them enough!” and with that he turned away, leaving two very thoughtful men behind him.   



	8. The Power of Persuasion

**Part 8: The Power of Persuasion:**  


In the days following Black Eagle’s revelation and prophesy, Blair veered between hope and fear as he tried to come to terms with his feelings regarding the old man’s words of wisdom. Part of him – the wounded, heart-sore inner Blair – scolded himself roundly for even thinking of taking the premise seriously. Jim had shown him time and again just what he thought about the whole spiritual side of the sentinel phenomenon, and Blair still recalled the pain he had felt when Jim had scoffed at the whole ‘passing of the ‘Way of the Shaman’ episode on Incacha’s death bed. But another part of him – the hopeful, inquisitive Blair who so needed to be needed – couldn’t help but imagine the embers of inherent optimism glowing, just waiting to burst into life again at the first opportunity. It was true what Black Eagle had said. They did belong together, of that Blair was certain, and in another time and place, there would be no hesitation. But Jim wasn’t some tribal guardian, respected and trained from birth to serve his people. He had learned to be cynical and untrusting, and Blair had no idea how he could overcome that deep-seated distrust even if given another chance to try. He simply didn’t have the self-confidence he needed, whatever Black Eagle demanded of him; especially after his monumental fuck-up with the whole diss disaster and his dismal failure at the academy. 

But the tiny spark of hope stubbornly refused to die even as he threw himself back into his new temporary life, still working in the garden but also accompanying Fernando to his offices on a regular basis. And if as the weeks passed, his dreams faded once again when there was still no indication that Jim was even trying to look him up, he told himself firmly that it just wasn’t to be. And after all, he could have made the effort to contact Jim himself if he had had the courage, but even now he was too shy of being rebuffed again, so it wasn’t all down to Jim. And that was the state of play when once again a situation arose that threw him for yet another loop.  


\------------------------  


While Blair had been gradually constructing some sort of acceptable life for himself, even if only for a short while, back in Cascade Jim had also been making progress, even if he was never satisfied that it was enough. With the help of Simon, Jack Kelso and Eli Stoddard amongst others, most of the plans to help restore Blair’s credibility were coming together nicely. However, the hard part had yet to come when he had to actually confront Blair and explain everything to him, particularly his own need for his friend’s forgiveness and presence once more in his life. He knew that Blair would forgive him. The young man’s big heart and generous nature had never been in question. But it was whether Jim had the right to ask it of him after the way he had behaved towards his guide for so long, and that was something with which Jim was more than uncomfortable. 

Then again, he told himself that it was up to him to make sure that Blair never regretted returning home, should he be persuaded to do so, and if everything went pear-shaped again, it would undoubtedly be Jim’s own fault. If Blair came home, Jim promised himself that he would finally accept his gift for what it was and stop fighting it, however hard that might prove to be. 

And if he didn’t, then Jim suspected that the senses would simply fade away to normal levels or turn off like they had done before, and he would return to being the ordinary cop he had once been. But this time his life would continue to be bleak and cold; lifeless without Blair’s joyful presence; and Jim dreaded such a future even as he had believed he once wanted it. 

But finally a call came from Kelso’s office with the information he was so desperate to receive, and his hope surged again even as he feared the possibility of failure. Naomi had been tracked to a friend’s secluded property outside Santa Fe, and Jim felt instinctively that Blair was with her. So he went immediately to see Simon and tell him his plans. He wasn’t going to waste any more time, but fully intended to leave the next morning, and with Simon’s blessing he did just that.  


\--------------------  


**Two days later, Eden Cottage:**  


Pulling up at some short distance away from the pretty cottage to which Jim had been directed, he sat for a moment gathering his thoughts, and, it had to be said, his courage before approaching the property. As soon as he had received the message from Jack Kelso two days ago, he had made his travel plans. Not for him the meanderings of the Greyhound coach trip. He was far too impatient for that, so had booked the most direct flight that he could obtain at such short notice even though he had to pay top dollar for it. However, having collected his hire car at the airport, he realised that arriving unannounced late in the evening wasn’t the most tactful way of going about pumping Naomi for information. Or confronting an undoubtedly anxious guide. He therefore forced himself to wait just a little longer, and booked himself into a cheap motel for the night. 

He was far too edgy and unsettled to get much in the way of sleep, his thoughts constantly revolving around how the upcoming interview might pan out, and what, if any satisfaction he would receive from Blair’s mom. The best case scenario was that Blair would be staying with her, and his quest would be over – at least as far as locating his errant guide was concerned. He was convinced that he was correct in believing that Blair would have reconnected with his Mom on leaving Seattle. On the other hand, he couldn’t help but worry in case Blair had moved on again, and that Naomi would refuse to give him any indication of her son’s intended destination. 

However, he refused to dwell on such a disappointing and devastating possible outcome, so forced himself to try and relax as best he could, even going so far as to try out Blair’s meditation techniques, which he had eschewed for far too long as a waste of time. And wouldn’t you know, it was the only way he managed to get a little hard-earned rest after all. Huh. 

Nevertheless, he was up and dressed early the following morning, checking out of the motel before breakfast so that he could get on the road to his destination as soon as possible. He did pull in at a drive thru burger joint, forcing down a bacon and egg roll and a large coffee simply because his complaining stomach demanded sustenance, but afterwards he wouldn’t have been able to say with any certainty whether it had been anything but adequately nourishing. 

Once more on his way out of Santa Fe, and heading towards the property where Naomi was staying, he barely took in anything of the beautiful scenery, so deep in thought was he as he pondered on what little he had managed to find out about the place. 

According to the motel clerk, Eden was a large property owned for generations by a respected local family. Once a working ranch, the present owner and his wife had worked hard to create a spectacular garden and extensive grounds where visitors could both enjoy the peace and tranquillity of their surroundings and work through their problems physically if they so desired. It sounded just like the type of retreat Naomi would choose in which to ‘process’, because for sure she would have needed to do that in a big way after her disastrous interference in her son’s affairs. And it also sounded right up Blair’s street too. He would need somewhere safe and secluded where he could lick his wounds, both mental and physical, out of the public eye, and Jim recalled enough of his young friend’s fond anecdotes about his youthful travels in the area to know that the child Blair had loved time spent here very much. 

But the most amazing thing as far as Jim was concerned was that, as he neared the large property, he realised that his senses were settling and sharpening in a way that they hadn’t done since Blair left for the academy, and that above anything else convinced him that Blair was indeed still there. His heart clenched with a combination of elation and apprehension, knowing that he would soon see his guide again, but desperately anxious about the possible outcome of such a long-desired reconnection. He prayed to whatever deity might be listening that a real reconciliation was possible, but so much had happened between the pair of them that it was by no means a certainty. But the sooner he found out, the sooner he could work on whatever strategy would be necessary to deliver the result he wanted and needed. 

A result that this time would take into consideration the wants and needs of Blair also. Failure simply wasn’t an option. 

On entering the property through the large, ornamental gates, Jim had deliberately avoided driving up to the big house to announce his arrival in the first instance. Instead, he spotted an older man who was weeding a flower bed beside the driveway, and asked him if he knew where Naomi was staying. Keeping his tone and expression relaxed and affable to avoid raising any suspicions, he learned that she was in one of the guest cottages a short distance from the main house, so, thanking his informant, he had turned off the main drive and parked up in a paved area within sight of Eden Cottage. 

And for a while he just sat there, both taking in his surroundings and, truth be told, mentally girding up his loins for the coming confrontation. He knew already that Naomi was within, and that Blair wasn’t presently on the property even if his scent was strong enough to inform the sentinel that he had been here only a few hours ago. Jim was disappointed that apparently he would have to wait a while longer until he could see and speak to his missing friend again, but maybe it was for the best to get the meeting with Naomi over with first. 

Huffing determinedly, he climbed out of the rental and approached the pretty cottage, pasting on a friendly smile as he knocked on the frame of the partially open front door. He had time to glance around the cool, tiled interior and then Naomi was entering from the back patio, her welcoming smile freezing on her face as she recognised her unexpected visitor. 

“Jim!” she murmured coldly. “What an unexpected surprise. How did you find me?” 

“Hello, Naomi. I’m sorry to drop in on you like this, but I couldn’t think of any other way to get news of Blair. I’ve been trying to trace him ever since he left Seattle, and you’re pretty much my last resort. Can I come in?” 

Naomi frowned, unaffected for once by his charming smile. “I suppose you can,” she offered ungraciously, “but if you think you can bully me into telling you all about Blair, you’ve another think coming. You’ve done enough to hurt my son, and I won’t let you hurt him anymore if I have anything to do about it. 

“And yes, I know I caused him terrible pain, but I’ve been trying to help him put himself back together again as best I can, and I don’t want you undoing all the healing that he has undergone since he arrived here.” 

Biting down on the angry retort he wanted to make, Jim forced himself to speak reasonably. “I understand, Naomi. And I can promise you that the last thing I want to do is hurt Blair again. I’ve been shown the errors of my ways, if you will, and I realise now what a selfish, ungrateful bastard I’ve been to someone who has only ever had my wellbeing at heart. But whether or not he agrees to give me another chance, I need to tell Blair to his face that I understand now how we should have been working together, and, if he wants it, I believe that he has a real future back in Cascade that doesn’t include a detective’s shield.” 

Naomi frowned again, disbelief colouring her expression, but Jim could well understand that reaction. He’d blown hot and cold with his friend too much over the past months for her not to suspect his motives, so he forced himself to undergo her speculative gaze with deliberate equanimity. Apparently she was satisfied with what she saw, and she stood aside to let him enter, ushering him through to the back of the cottage to take a seat in the tiny but colourful, flower-filled yard. 

“Blair’s not here at the moment,” she said, “but you’ll no doubt know that already. Would you like some tea or coffee?” 

“Coffee would be great, thanks,” Jim replied, actually wishing he could have a beer despite the early hour. “Am I interfering with your plans? I don’t want to disrupt your day any more than I can help.” 

He congratulated himself on the fact that he at least sounded sincere, even if he could actually care less what Blair’s mother might have had in mind, but he at least had the grace to feel ashamed of his small duplicity. As far as he was concerned, the only thing that mattered was Blair’s return, and he had no intention of leaving the property until that occurred. 

Busying herself with preparing their drinks in the tiny kitchen, Naomi continued to talk through the open back doors. “Are you going to give me some idea of what you have planned for Blair, Jim? Or don’t you trust me? I can understand it if you don’t. After all, I made a huge blunder that my son will probably be paying for for the rest of his life in one way or another. But I have learned my lesson, and have promised him that I’ll never try to interfere in his affairs again without his express permission. Having said that, although I still believe that you two had something special between you, I can’t forgive how you threw it back in Blair’s face even when you knew it wasn’t his fault. And having helped pick up the pieces of his life as best we could, I should say that he is at least calmer now, even if not whole in the true sense of the word, and that has to be better than his state of mind when he arrived. 

“Promise me that you’ll try not to upset him again?” 

It was as well that she couldn’t see Jim’s face while she talked, or else she would have probably been shocked at the pain in his expression. Of course, there was no way he could make any such promise, because even if his news was ultimately welcomed, Blair would of necessity be disturbed again, his hard-won serenity disrupted by yet another life-changing decision to make. 

But although Jim fully accepted that he had his own selfish reasons for confronting Blair, he truly believed that this time it would be to Blair’s benefit also, and he was determined to stop taking the young man for granted from now on. Finally Jim Ellison understood that it wasn’t all about him. 

Delaying his response until Naomi returned with a tray bearing a mug of fresh coffee and a cup of herbal tea, he offered her a small smile of gratitude. 

“Thanks, Naomi. Smells good,” he murmured as he picked up the mug and took and appreciative sniff. 

After taking a few sips, he set the mug down again and looked up to meet her quizzical gaze. “Look, Naomi, it’s not that I don’t trust you. Well, I do now, even if I didn’t before, for good reason as you’ve already admitted. But it’s quite complicated, and I think it would be better if I kept the whole explanation until I can speak to Blair in person. Although he undoubtedly won’t realise it, there are a whole lot of people back in Cascade who are rooting for him, and are doing their level best to fix the damage caused by that press conference. I know…I _know_ that if I’d have actually talked to him that he wouldn’t have had to go to such an extreme in the first place, and I’ll never forget seeing him on TV denying himself. But I learned the hard way that there were plenty of people who didn’t believe his lie in the first place, and who have done their best since then to try and alleviate the situation. 

“I know now that the badge offer wasn’t realistic. It was the only thing Simon and I could come up with at the time, and again, if I’d have been actually talking to Blair then we’d have realised that it was never going to work. But luckily there are friends of Blair’s who are in a much better position to help him, and once I’d gotten over myself and my disappointment that he’d walked out of the academy, I got my act together and approached those people. And the upshot is that we have a proposition for Blair that I hope – pray – that he’ll accept in the spirit in which it is made.” 

While he was talking, Naomi had been watching him carefully, and Jim found himself nervously awaiting her conclusions as to his sincerity. If he could convince her and get her on his side at least in principal, he believed that it would help immensely in winning over her son. But she had every right to be sceptical, so he didn’t expect it to be an easy task. 

She regarded him quietly for a while longer, then apparently came to a decision – one that didn’t include pressing for more information than Jim was happy to disclose as yet. And apparently she also determined not to discuss Blair’s state of mind in detail in his absence, but rather chose to stick with the lighter topic of what Eden had to offer, and how her friends had helped Blair to feel at home. 

Decision made, her demeanour changed, and she deliberately set herself out to adopt her more usual, charming but superficial persona. She knew she wasn’t fooling Jim one bit, but it didn’t matter. If he was intent on waiting until Blair returned, the least she could do was keep him entertained and also give him an idea of how Blair had worked at reconnecting with his inner self. 

She began by offering to take Jim on a tour of the property, and to introduce him to Marisol. She explained that Blair was presently accompanying Fernando on one of his regular visits to the Res, and as they walked, she was able to fill in the details of what Blair’s life now entailed. 

And Jim was amazed at what he heard, even if he supposed that he shouldn’t be. This was Blair they were talking about after all.  


\-------------------------  


Strolling companionably around the extensive garden and grounds, Jim was able to thoroughly appreciate the beauty and serenity of his surroundings, and could well understand how such a location would have appealed to his hurting partner. He watched several disparate figures either working in comfortable isolation or talking quietly amongst themselves as they laboured, and could easily visualise Blair benefitting from the therapeutic effects of connecting with the soil. He said as much to Naomi, unsurprised when she smiled at him more genuinely than she had so far since he arrived. 

“That’s exactly it, Jim,” she enthused. “He desperately needed to work through his inner pain, and what better way to do it but through honest labour? He has always loved working with his hands as well as with his huge intellect, and Fernando and Marisol recognised it immediately. They saw him for the uniquely gifted person that he is, and Fernando has thoroughly enjoyed having Blair work alongside him also, even as Marisol had no trouble in discerning the shaman in him,” she added ingenuously, shooting Jim a sideways glance to see how he reacted to her words. 

Jim paused in his stride and turned to look at her, a frown creasing his brow. He realised that he was being tested in some way, and didn’t appreciate it, but for all that, he understood why Blair’s mother should be sounding him out like this. She still didn’t trust him not to hurt her boy, even unintentionally, whatever she claimed, and her gentle prodding was a deliberate attempt to see just how much his character and opinions had improved. 

But he couldn’t in all honesty take her goading lying down, even though he struggled to keep his responses reasonable and polite. 

“Uh, you know that there’s nothing to that ‘shaman’ stuff, don’t you, Naomi?” he began as gently as possible. “I knew a shaman, and I can tell you that Blair isn’t one. He hasn’t trained from birth like chosen shamans have to, and he doesn’t have visions. When Incacha, my Chopec friend and a true shaman supposedly passed the ‘Way of the Shaman’ to Blair it was nothing more than a token gesture, see? I should never have translated his words in the first place, and I told Blair so. We didn’t mention it again.” 

Now Naomi’s eyes flashed with anger, and she stared him down, hands on hips. “And that’s where your biggest mistake lies, James Ellison!” she spat. “Just because _you_ have such problems accepting the spiritual world doesn’t mean to say that you’re right! Although I admit I didn’t want to accept it myself at first, Blair was first told about his potential power at an early age. In this very neighbourhood as it happens. I knew what challenges a shaman must face, including a near-death experience, and I didn’t want him to undergo all that. But even though he says that he had forgotten those early prophesies, and no longer takes them seriously, he _did_ go through hell for you, Jim. 

“And _you_ brought him back. Why would you do that if you didn’t believe in him?” 

Taken aback by her vehemence, at first Jim didn’t know how to respond. But instead of the angry rebuttal he wanted to make, he was suddenly struck by a sort of epiphany. What if Naomi was right? What if Blair really did have a gift, and in denying it, and his guide, Jim had put him in danger rather than keeping him close and protecting him as he should have done all along? Was it another instance of those damned ‘fear-based responses’ that had caused him to belittle and deny his partner when they had needed each other the most? It was certainly possible, and the stab of shame and regret that struck Jim through the heart felt real enough. And he thought he was already rehabilitated where Blair was concerned. 

Yeah, right! Not even close. 

The decision to take that trip with Blair at long last had apparently taken on yet another dimension, but even so, he still intended to do it. It was the only way if they were ever to work together - _be_ together – again. 

Finally he sighed and looked Naomi in the eye, his own gaze frank and steady if resigned. “I hear you, Naomi,” he murmured with a wry grin. “You’re right. I thought I’d come to terms with everything about our relationship – about how it should have been – but it seems I was still in denial. I’m not saying I’m truly convinced that Blair does have shamanic powers, but I promise not to deny them out of hand again, OK? I just need you to know that I want him back in whatever form he’s prepared to offer. Like I told Simon, I’ve had a good taste of what my life will be if he decides that he’s gone for good, and I hate it. It’s true when they say that, ‘you don’t know what you’ve got ‘til it’s gone’, and I’ve learned it the hard way.” 

Naomi’s expression softened as she continued to study him, her head tilted to one side. Finally, she offered him a gentle smile. “I believe you, James Ellison,” she murmured softly. “Your aura is far lighter now than it was, and that can only be because you’re finally opening yourself to the truth. That there is a greater dimension to yours and Blair’s relationship than you could ever have imagined before. I believe that you two were meant to be together, and that the old cliché about what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. And recognising that should boost your powers of persuasion even more. 

“But hurt him again and you’ll have me to reckon with. And I won’t be alone!” And Jim had absolutely no trouble in believing her.  


\----------------------------  


**Later that evening:**  


Jim and Naomi relaxed on comfortable recliners in front of the cottage, enjoying the evening sunshine. Jim was nursing a beer, while Naomi sipped at a glass of cold chardonnay, both deep in thought and contemplating the revelations of the day and anticipating the arrival of the ‘guest of honour’, so to speak. 

For Jim it had been a day of surprises, although he told himself that he should have known better than to imagine Blair curled up in a tiny ball of self-pity even if the young man had every reason to do so. He realised at last just how strong and courageous his guide actually was, despite his self-effacing nature, and the fact that Blair was apparently still keen to interact with society rather than shut himself away from it gave Jim hope that it wouldn’t be too onerous a task to persuade his friend to come home. Blair was still, and always would be, a ‘people person’, and his courage and loyalty towards Jim had never faltered despite whatever crap the older man had thrown in his direction. And if Jim had to suspend his automatic disbelief and cynicism in order to embrace the possibility that Blair really did have a gift of his own, then so be it. He realised now that Blair’s hurried departure from the academy had been done with the very best of intentions to protect the sentinel at all costs, and it was ironic that in doing so, Blair had actually hurt them both more than he could possibly have imagined. But how was he to know any different when Jim constantly denied what they should be together? Or even be together at all? 

But now Jim knew. He had learned the hard way that he couldn’t survive without Blair, not in any meaningful way. He just hoped that by asking Blair to return with him he wasn’t taking unfair advantage of the young man’s good heart. And his love, if what Jim believed was actually true. 

And as for the whole ‘shaman’ deal, Jim had to admit that he was growing ever more open to the possibility that it was true also. Earlier that afternoon, Naomi had taken him to meet Marisol, who had been working in her studio, but greeted them both with pleasure and grace. She had studied Jim carefully but politely, and had left him in no doubt that she had seen through his usual protective shell to the man beneath, just as she had with his guide before, and he just had to hope that she wasn’t disappointed with what she found there. 

However, she hadn’t revealed anything at the time, but had kindly asked if he, Naomi and Blair would like to join her and Fernando for dinner. She had also offered him accommodation, assuming that he would be staying awhile, but Naomi insisted that he could stay at the cottage with her and Blair. And he had to admit that it was a genuinely kind offer on both counts, because in truth he hadn’t looked any further ahead than meeting up with Blair, and hadn’t given a thought to where he would spend the night. Or maybe the next few nights. 

So now they sat, awaiting Fernando and Blair’s return from the Res, and the butterflies in Jim’s stomach were growing more and more restless as the minutes ticked by.  


\------------------------  


On the drive back to Eden, Blair became more and more twitchy, his fingers tapping incessantly against his thigh as his leg jiggled with nerves. He glanced apologetically over at Fernando, knowing that older man must be getting irritated by his behaviour, but unable to do anything about it. 

“I’m sorry, man. I am trying to keep still, I swear, but something’s up. I have no idea what, but I feel it. And it’s driving me nuts as I’m sure it must be you too!” 

Fernando grinned ruefully as he briefly met Blair’s anxious gaze before turning his attention back to the road ahead. “It’s OK, kiddo, honestly. I’ve learned to recognise and accept your intuition, and if there’s something playing on your mind, then who am I to gainsay it? I fully agree with Marisol that you are a gifted empath, Blair, so stop worrying about what I think, and let’s just get back home a.s.a.p. so we can find out just what’s up with you. Whatever it is, it’s gotten you all riled up, so it must be something momentous!” and he chuckled amicably, wanting to reassure Blair that he didn’t think his young friend was going nuts at all. 

“Thanks, Fernando,” Blair replied, relieved that he wasn’t annoying his friend too much, but still perplexed as to what was making him react like this. It was as if some amorphous dread was hanging over him, but yet not physically threatening. He didn’t think it was anything to do with Naomi, at least not directly, so all he could do was try and contain his growing impatience as best he could; praying that whatever awaited him wasn’t as dire as he feared. It was especially disturbing because only that morning he had awoken feeling a small glow of satisfaction at the progress he was making in rediscovering a measure of inner peace and contentment, a feeling that was now completely dispersed as if it had never been. 

As they pulled in through the main gates, Blair looked over towards the area where the cottage stood and saw a strange vehicle parked in the paved lot off the driveway next to Naomi’s elderly Prius. It looked like a rental, so probably belonged to one of the DeLuca’s visitors, but there wasn’t anything out of the ordinary in that as people dropped in all the time, whether expected or not. However, Blair felt a primeval prickling at the back of his neck, as if the short hairs were standing up on end, and he shivered suddenly in nervous anticipation. 

“Are you sure you’re OK, Blair?” Fernando enquired, a worried expression creasing his kind features. “Do you want me to drop you off here, or shall I come with you to the cottage? It’s no problem, kiddo.” 

Blair turned to face him, ashamed of his reactions. He was acting like a wuss, and he knew it. “Nah, thanks all the same, Fernando. I’m just being silly. Look, thanks again for today, man. I really enjoyed myself, and it was good to see how much better Richie White Hawk is settling in to school now. I think he’s going to be OK.” 

“And a lot of that’s down to you, Blair, so I should be thanking you,” Fernando replied feelingly. “So, if you really are OK, I’ll leave you in peace and see you in the morning. Give my love to Naomi!” and he grinned as Blair opened the passenger door and jumped out, sketching him a wave as he did so. 

“See you tomorrow, Fernando!” and Blair turned to walk to the cottage, and if his steps were a little less eager than usual, Fernando didn’t remark on it, but drove on to the main house deep in thought.   


\----------------------  


Once Fernando’s car moved out of sight around a bend in the driveway, Blair’s steps slowed even further. Crossing the paved lot, he glanced in at the rental, certain now that whoever was driving it was visiting Eden Cottage. And deep down, he knew instinctively who it must be. 

And he was terrified. 

Jim had found him after all, and he didn’t know how in the name of the goddess he was going to be able to face the older man after running away like the worst kind of ungrateful coward. Standing there, nervously shifting from one foot to the other, he slowly raised his eyes and looked over towards the cottage, even without sentinel vision able to make out the two figures sitting out front. One of whom was staring at him intently such that Blair had the oddest feeling that he was being scanned minutely both physically and mentally. 

“Oh, goddess,” he breathed, forgetting for a moment that the sentinel would be able to hear every word. “I can’t do this. I _can’t!”_

But then the tall figure rose gracefully from the recliner and moved steadily towards him, not threateningly, but approaching with caution as if towards a wild colt. And Blair found himself totally unable to move; as if glued to the pavement. 

Swallowing hard, he feasted his eyes on the tall, buff figure he had missed so very much, his eyes locked onto the cornflower blue gaze that fixed him so hungrily. 

And then Jim was there. Right in front of him, and was smiling down on him. Smiling with such love that Blair just stood there, wide-eyed and speechless like a deer in the headlights. And then Jim raised his arms in welcome, and Blair was so there. Wrapped up in the best hug he had ever had, and all he could do was hug Jim back for all he was worth. It was like coming home.  



	9. A Tempting Proposition

**Part 9: A Tempting Proposition:**  


While the two men spent long minutes wrapped in each other’s arms, reconnecting and soaking up the mutual comfort offered, Naomi watched from her seat, unwilling to either move or distract their attention until she was certain that their meeting was progressing satisfactorily. She admitted to herself that she had been concerned about how Jim would react to seeing her son at last, despite his assurances that he only wanted to do right by Blair, but it certainly seemed as if he was truly happy to have found him again. And, more to the point, Blair seemed equally happy to have been found. 

Knowing that they had much to discuss, which would be better done in private, she quietly slipped out of her seat and made her way unnoticed towards the main house. She trusted Jim to keep his word as regards allowing Blair to make his own decisions once he had heard whatever proposition Jim had to lay before him, so decided that she would take up Marisol’s generous offer of dinner, but decline it on behalf of the two men. She knew Marisol and Fernando wouldn’t be at all offended, knowing how important this meeting was for both men, and maybe – just maybe – by the time she returned, they might have come to some mutual understanding. 

She just had to hope that it would ultimately prove to be the right choice for Blair after all.  


\-------------------------  


Although aware of Naomi’s stealthy departure, Jim took no notice apart from sparing her a brief thought of gratitude for her tact. He was far too intent on the warm body in his arms, his senses basking in the proximity as he greedily absorbed every nuance of the younger man’s person. Blair was pressed up against him, almost melting into his embrace, but while the feeling was welcome and long overdue, Jim couldn’t help but notice changes in the smaller man’s body, not all of which were for the good. 

For a start, Jim could tell that his friend had lost a substantial amount of weight. Blair had never been fat, but had always had a compact and sturdy frame which was now pared down to wiry muscle and bone. He was tan, but he didn’t look all that healthy beneath it, his shadowed eyes almost too big in a face comprising of planes and angles with no padding covering the spectacular bone structure beneath the skin. His curls, now growing out some, were sun-bleached at the tips, but Jim could easily make out threads of grey at the temples; evidence of the stresses and trials he had endured over the past months. 

However, despite all the superficial changes, Blair’s personal scent remained as addictive as ever now the taint of fear was gradually subsiding, and Jim sniffed appreciatively at the smaller man’s neck behind his ear where the delightful scent was strongest. 

Eventually, they reluctantly drew apart some in order to look into each other’s eyes again. Blair’s small smile was shy and a little timid, which sent a pang of dismay through Jim’s soul. His guide was still uncertain of him, and in truth, Jim recognised that he had cause to be on past experience, an admission that shamed him even as he promised himself that such reactions had no place in any new relationship. But then again, he knew himself of old, and was well aware that a radical change in attitude wasn’t going to come easily. He just had to hope that Blair would cut him a little slack while he practised new behaviours. 

Smiling down into Blair’s upturned face, he raised his hand and stroked a gentle thumb beneath one large blue eye. “I missed you so much, kiddo. I know why you went, and I understand, but don’t do it again, huh? Not without warning me. Please?” 

Blair tried to avert his eyes, a blush of shame pinking his cheeks, but Jim wasn’t having it. “Don’t, Blair. Don’t turn away from me. I’m not mad at you, Chief. Not now, anyway. I’m just so glad to have found you again. It’s been hell without you, but I’m thinking it hasn’t exactly been great for you either, huh?” 

Blair met his gaze again and swallowed hard. “Uh, no. No, it hasn’t,” he admitted. “I missed you too, Big Guy. More than I can say. But I couldn’t stay. It wasn’t working, and I knew it was the only way to keep you safe. I’m sorry, man. I so didn’t want to hurt you.” 

“I understand, babe. I do. But now I’ve found you, I don’t want to let you go again. I know it’s selfish, but without you my life is nothing. I didn’t understand before – didn’t give it a second thought, to be honest. I just assumed you’d leave as soon as that diss was done anyway, and even though deep down I knew better, I still thought the worst of you when the shit hit the fan with the Barnes bitch. And after the whole diss debacle. 

“You were right on about the ‘fear-based responses’, babe. And my trust issues and fear of intimacy. All of it. But you stuck by me anyway, through thick and thin even when I left you twisting in the wind. It wasn’t you that lacked commitment, Blair. It was me. Always me.” 

Blair gazed up at him, his eyes wide and searching. “No, man, not always you. I made huge mistakes too, but I tried to put them right. I love you, man. And I think you know that. When you brought me back – when we merged at the fountain – I hoped…oh, man…,” and he tailed off, unable to speak around the huge knot of emotion in his throat. 

Jim reached for him again and pulled him against his broad chest, his own eyes suspiciously moist. “I know, babe, I know,” he murmured soothingly. “And I let my fear dictate my reactions again. That’s why I told you I couldn’t take that trip with you. I was afraid of my own desire. And I didn’t trust you not to hurt me. I was wrong. So wrong. I know that now,” and he rubbed Blair’s now shaking back gently, feeling the dampness of tears soaking through his shirt. 

They stood for a while longer until Blair shook himself and pulled away, sniffing and knuckling away his unwanted tears. “I’m sorry, Jim. Made a wet patch,” he chuckled a little wetly. “Look, let’s go inside, huh? I don’t know about you, but I could do with a beer.” 

Jim nodded agreeably. “I’m down with that, Chief. Let’s get comfortable, want to? Because I have a lot to tell you, babe. A lot to explain, and I hope you’ll hear me out.”   


\----------------------  


A short while later, both men were sitting comfortably in the small back yard, nursing a beer apiece as they mentally prepared themselves for the discussion ahead. Blair had taken a few minutes in the shower to freshen up while Jim got the beer and snacks, and then they moved outside by mutual consent to enjoy the balmy evening. The fragrance of the flowers and the chirruping of night-time insects helped calm and relax them so that when Jim turned to face Blair, the younger man was as ready as he could be to listen to what his sentinel had to tell him. 

However, he was more than a little disturbed when Jim asked him gently if he would begin by telling him what he had been up to since leaving the academy. “I understand it if you don’t want to , babe, and I don’t want you to go into any more detail than you’re comfortable with, but I’d like to know. I should tell you that I went with Simon to the academy, and we interviewed Mulcady and those so-called ‘team members’ of yours, and I have to say I’ve never been more angry in my life. I can’t blame you at all for walking out on those bastards, but I just wish we could have talked about it first. 

“But I know that’s my fault, Blair. If I’d ever been prepared to listen to you properly; if we’d actually talked about stuff; we’d never have gotten to this point at all. And I swear to you that I’ll do my best to listen to you in the future, even if you have to whack me over the head with a two-by-four first!” 

Blair didn’t know what to say at first. He was ashamed at his precipitous, unilateral decision for sure, but also astounded to hear what Jim had to say. Did he really mean that he could foresee a future for them? One in which he would actually be prepared to let Blair have his say? _Gods, that would be so wonderful…._ But how could that be? He was still a fraud in most people’s eyes, and that was entirely down to his own actions. 

“Ah, that’s good to know, Jim,” he stammered, “but I’m still sorry I ran out on you like that. It was just that, well, my classmates seemed to be veering more and more towards the possibility that you really were a sentinel after all, and I had to do something to protect you. It seemed to be the only way. 

“Anyhow,” he continued, still more than a little embarrassed, “if you really want to know, there’s not actually much to tell. I went to St Sebastian’s first and stayed there a couple days until I contacted Naomi. They were so kind to me. Non-judgemental. And Jeremy told me I could leave the Volvo there for as long as I wanted. And when I called Naomi, she told me about this place and encouraged me to come join her here. She even paid for my ticket on the Greyhound. 

“So here I am. And it’s been good for me, Jim. I’ve missed you so much, and all the gang at MCU, but working here in the garden has been truly therapeutic. I’m anonymous, and have been able to help Fernando without anyone criticising or recognising me. As far as anyone around here knows, I’m just Jake Sanders, and it’s been truly liberating. For a little while, at least. Until I have to come out of hiding, which I guess I’ll have to do at some point,” and he snickered self-deprecatingly, not fooling Jim at all. 

Jim watched him carefully as he talked, his senses telling him far more than Blair’s actual words did. The younger man might claim to be more relaxed now, but his physiological responses told Jim otherwise. Blair was still nervous and unsettled, his heart rate erratic and he had real difficulty meeting Jim’s gaze. The guilt was still there, and it was clearly still a huge burden, however much Jim believed it was unjustified. So it was up to him to try and lift that burden off his friend’s shoulders, and cast it aside where it belonged. 

“Thanks for telling me, Chief. I don’t need any more details, because I can see it’s not been easy for you. I’m just really grateful that you had somewhere to turn immediately after leaving Seattle, even though it’s taken me much longer than I expected to trace you! You’re very adept at disappearing you know! Had to call in the big guns eventually, or I’d still be searching.” 

Blair looked askance at him at that. “Big guns, Jim? I mean, I didn’t really expect you to look for me,” he admitted shame-facedly. “Not after betraying you and Simon like that. But I thought that, just in case you did, I’d better make sure I couldn’t be found. I truly believe you’re safer without me, Jim.” 

“Then you couldn’t be more wrong, Chief. Not that I blame you for thinking that. But now it’s time for me to tell you exactly why I believe it’ll be OK for you to come home. Apart from the fact that I need you, and want you with me, I hope that you’ll be OK with what has been done in your absence. 

“I apologise for doing everything without your consent, Chief, but there was no help for it if we were going to try and make things right. So, I guess it’s time for me to tell all, and just pray that you’ll accept that we had your best interests at heart.” 

Now Blair was completely intrigued, but also afraid that Jim might have put himself in danger after all. But he remained silent, simply nodding in assent as Jim began. And as the tale unfolded, he was speechless with shock, almost unable to grasp what had happened in his absence. He simply couldn’t believe that so many people had gone to so much trouble for his sake. 

And what was most amazing was Jim’s declaration that he loved Blair. Wanted him to come back to the loft and stay there for as long as he wished, which as far as Jim was concerned, was forever. 

When Jim finally wound down, for a long while Blair just sat there, trying to absorb everything he’d been told. 

“Oh, man!” he finally whispered. “So, the Chief has already made a statement then? And told everyone that I only lied to get the media off your back? I guess that’s true. And I did call the diss a work of fiction after all. That’s so good of him. But I’m so sorry you had to come out to him and the Commissioner though, Jim. Has it been awful?” 

Jim should have known that Blair would be more concerned for Jim than for himself. 

“No, Chief, not really. All everyone knows for sure is that I have better sight and hearing than most. Simon and I have never told anyone about my real range, so I’m still safe enough. But once the Chief and Commissioner understood why I needed you with me, they were only too happy to help. They never liked the badge idea anyway, and I really believe that a consultant’s position will suit you better. Was I right?” he finished hopefully. 

“Oh, man, it’s a dream come true! You know I never wanted to get off that rollercoaster, and this way I don’t have to. But I still can’t get my head around what’s happened at Rainier. So Jack and Eli actually forced Edwards to make a public apology? How the hell did they manage that?” 

Jim chuckled then. “Seems Jack and the Dean have history – of the type that he’d have to shoot me if he told me, if you know what I mean. So the guy obviously knew Jack was serious. Edwards was in the wrong leaking your material, every bit as much as Sid Graham, and it was she who caused the bad PR for the U. She also had no legal grounds for dismissal, so the least she could do was make a public apology. And I’d love to think that her days there are numbered,” he added with a grim smile. 

“Now, as it stands, I’m not sure yet whether you’ll be able to submit and defend the ‘Sentinel’ paper _in camera_ , so to speak, but I want you to know that I’m OK with it if they agree. Jack has requested that the contents be sealed for a minimum of fifteen years, and that’ll do for me. Can’t see myself still on the force after that anyway. 

“But one thing’s for sure, and I’m sorry about it, and that’s that they can’t go as far as to reinstate your TA position. But I want you to have that doctorate, babe. You deserve it.” 

Blair was completely stunned by everything he’d heard, but one thing stood out more clearly than anything else in his mind. Jim said he loved him, but in what sense? Could he possibly mean the way Blair loved him? As in, _in love_ with him? He had to know for sure. 

“Jim, everything you’ve told me – everything you’ve all done for me – it’s wonderful. I mean, I suppose I ought to be miffed that I wasn’t consulted, but I’m not. How could I be? It’s just…just…fantastic! And I have money too! Who’d a thought? 

“But there’s something I have to ask you, and I really pray I’m not about to blow everything by offending you. 

“Ah, you said earlier that you loved me. And I love you, man. But do you mean in a brotherly way? Because I think you know how I love you. After the merge, how could you not know?” 

And Jim reached over and placed a warm hand on his knee, smiling gently into his anxious eyes. 

“I _do_ know, Blair. Like I said before, even if it frightened me into denial and backing away when I shouldn’t have. I’m ready to take that trip, babe, if you’ll still have me. But even if all you want now is to come back to the loft as friends, that’s still more than I deserve. Will you come home, babe?” 

And what else could Blair say or do but throw himself into Jim’s waiting arms again. 

“Yes, Jim. Yes, I’ll come home. I know everything’s not cut and dried yet, but you’ve done so much for me, and I’m so grateful. All I ever wanted was to love you – be with you. So yes, please take that trip with me. My Sentinel.” 

And all Jim could do was hold him tight as he nodded, his own eyes filling with grateful tears. 

“Thank you, Blair Sandburg. My Guide. Always!”  



	10. Return to Cascade

**Part 10: Return to Cascade:**  


When Naomi returned to the cottage much later that night, she could see that there was still soft light spilling from the back yard, so she tiptoed in and peeked through the open sliders. And was charmed at the sight that met her eyes. Jim was lying on one of the comfortable recliners, blanketed by her son, who was sprawled almost on top of him, fast asleep. The older man raised his eyes to meet hers, a tiny grin on his face as he took in her expression. The look of understanding that passed between them reassured her that the two were now in harmony once more, and she couldn’t have been more thrilled for them. Or relieved, truth to tell. 

Although she had been more than adequately wined and dined by her friends, she felt the need for one more glass of wine, so she moved back into the kitchen and poured herself a glass from the bottle in the refrigerator. Taking out a beer, she waved it towards Jim, and when he smiled and nodded, she popped the top and took both drinks out into the yard. Jim took the bottle with a grateful smile, and when Naomi settled in the seat next to him and leaned forward to tap her glass against the bottle, his grin widened even more. Nothing was said for a while as they enjoyed their drinks in companionable silence. 

Not that they would have woken Blair that easily anyway. Exhausted both physically and emotionally, the young man was completely out for the count, apparently finally getting the deep, undisturbed and healing rest he had needed for too long. And when he snuffled a little, and snuggled his face into Jim’s chest, Naomi’s breath caught in her throat as big, buff Jim Ellison dropped a soft kiss on the curly crown beneath his chin, the tenderness in his expression almost bringing a tear to her eye. 

Yes, she was certain now that the yawning chasm between them was closing fast, and knew that Blair would soon be leaving Eden to return to Cascade with Jim. And who was she to try and block them? Oh, she knew well enough that it wouldn’t all be plain sailing for them from now on, especially if Blair was to pursue his own gift and interest in shamanism. But as Marisol had stated calmly just that evening, she believed that Blair now had the strength to stand up to any scepticism or obstacles Jim might still be tempted to put in his path, and at the end of the day, their partnership would be the stronger for it. 

Finishing her wine, she stood quietly and looked down on the pair for a moment, her hand just touching her son’s curls. Meeting Jim’s eyes, she whispered sentinel-soft, “Do you need a hand getting Blair to bed, Jim?” 

In answer to which he smiled and shook his head. “No, thanks all the same, Naomi. We’ll manage just fine.” 

She nodded and smiled in return. “OK, then, Jim. Sweet dreams. Both of you!” and she turned and left him, confident that by the following morning all three of them would have benefitted from a good night’s sleep.  


\-------------------------  


**Late next morning:**  


Naomi sat in the back yard, sipping a cup of herbal tea and enjoying the sunshine which was still pleasantly warm. She had had a good night’s sleep, as she had hoped, and had spent an hour meditating, after which she had felt ready to make some decisions of her own. Feeling a presence behind her, she looked up and smiled as Jim walked around her and took a seat opposite. 

“Good morning, Jim. Did you sleep well?” she enquired. “I’m guessing that Blair is still catching up?” 

Jim grinned, and she was struck once more by his attractiveness and charm when he put his mind to it. 

“Yes to both, Naomi,” he replied with a disarming grin. “Best night’s sleep I’ve had in a while. Ever since Blair left the loft to go to Seattle, in fact. I’ve never told him how much I learned to rely on his presence to settle my senses during the night. It wasn’t until he wasn’t there that I realised how much I missed him. And I have to admit,” he added a little diffidently, “It’s a whole lot better sharing a bed!” 

Naomi laughed gently, appreciating his candour. “I suspect it’ll have been the same for Blair too. I could tell how restless he was while he’s been here, even though it’s been getting better lately. But after seeing you two together yesterday, I feel much more confident about your intentions towards him. Even if you’re still sceptical about the shaman thing,” she added archly. 

Jim grinned in self-deprecation, shaking his head as he met her gaze. “Give me time, Naomi. I’ve already promised myself that I’ll try and be more open-minded where that spiritual stuff is concerned, but it’ll be a while before this old cynic is really comfortable with the idea. But at least I’ll listen, and I’ve told Blair that.” 

“Fair enough, Jim. Just as long as you do!” she added in mock severity. 

“Anyhow, I’ve made a fresh pot of coffee, so please help yourself…,” only to tail off as she realised that she had lost his attention. And that was clearly because he was anticipating Blair’s arrival, having tracked his guide’s movements from the bedroom. 

She turned to follow his gaze, and grinned at the sight that met her eyes. Blair’s curls were sticking out in all directions in a terrible case of bed-hair, his eyes still at half mast, and his beard stubble dark against his skin. He was still wearing yesterday’s rumpled tee and shorts, Jim having managed to strip him of his outer clothing last night, and all in all he looked like the poster boy for waifs and strays everywhere. 

But yet there was something different about him, despite his bleariness, and Naomi knew she was looking at a far more rested and content son than she had witnessed in some while. 

“Mornin’ Ma. Jim,” the apparition mumbled. “Did you say there was coffee?” he added hopefully. 

“And good morning to you too, honey,” she replied. “And yes, there is. A whole pot made fresh. I thought you’d probably need it!” 

He grinned lazily then, a grin which widened noticeably as Jim appeared beside him, pressing a steaming mug into his hand. 

“Oh, man! My saviour!” he murmured as he took a sip, and the loving expression in his slowly clearing eyes was proof that he wasn’t joking. He settled down on a small loveseat next to Jim, unconsciously pressing up against the bigger man as he relished the mug’s contents. And Jim had absolutely no problem with that, wrapping an arm around the young man’s shoulders as he soaked up his guide’s presence. 

After a few more minutes, the caffeine had worked its miracle, and Blair looked from one to the other of his companions with a noticeably more alert gaze. 

“I can’t recall ever sleeping in for so long,” he murmured a bit apologetically. “Have you two been up long?” 

“Not that long, babe,” Jim replied with a grin. “But don’t knock it. You obviously needed the sleep, and I can tell it’s done you good. Didn’t do me any harm either,” he added with a knowing smile. “Didn’t realise just how relaxing it is to have my very own Teddy Blair to cuddle!” 

Blair almost hurt himself with the double-take Jim’s words caused him to make. Who was this, and where was the pod hidden? Jim Ellison teasing and totally unconstrained – and in front of Naomi too. Who’d have thought? Not that he was knocking it. And his answering smile was bright and happy, the love and appreciation in his eyes clear to see. 

“That’s nice of you to say, man. And I enjoyed it too. Even if the bed is a bit small for two? Can’t say I noticed, though. I really was out for the count, wasn’t I?” he added sheepishly. 

Naomi smiled at both of them then. “Look, boys, I’m going up to the big house, because there’s something I want to discuss with Marisol and Fernando, so why don’t you have a shower and grab some breakfast, and I’ll be back in an hour or so. 

“There’s something I’d like to discuss with you too, but nothing bad, I promise!” 

They smiled and nodded in assent, although both faces wore almost identical, faintly bemused expressions, and she chuckled inwardly at their overt curiosity. It was good to keep them guessing on occasion. _Her boys!_

Once Naomi had left, Jim squeezed his armful of Blair a little tighter, saying, “OK, then, babe, you ready for that shower? What say we help the environment and share, want to?” 

Blair snickered at that. “Sure, why not?” he agreed, and allowed Jim to pull him to his feet. However, on reaching the bathroom, his enthusiasm waned visibly, and a perplexed Jim turned him gently around to face him. 

“What’s wrong, Chief? All of a sudden you look like you want to run away and hide. Am I pushing you too fast?” 

“Ah, no. It’s not you, Jim, honest. Um, it’s me. I’m just a bit nervous is all. Stupid really, huh?” and he tried to make light of his discomfiture, only to have Jim shake his head in fond exasperation. 

“No, kiddo, not stupid at all. Just tell me what you’d like, OK? Or what makes you uncomfortable. I won’t get mad, I promise.” 

He actually had a fair idea of what was going on in his guide’s head, even though he thought it was unwarranted. And as it happened, he was quite correct in his belief. Blair was having second thoughts about stripping off in front of Jim. He knew just how magnificent Jim’s physique was, having gotten an eyeful of the big man in the shower on that oil rig. And he really, _really_ didn’t want to make the comparison between that buff body and his own unprepossessing frame. Always lacking in self-esteem, he had never considered himself to be anything special, and at the moment he was even worse than usual thanks to his poor appetite and weight loss. But Jim was having none of it. Not giving Blair a chance to move away, he carefully ran his hands down the smaller man’s sides until he grasped the hem of Blair’s ratty tee. Holding the young man’s gaze with an affectionate and understanding one of his own, he carefully raised the garment and pulled it off over Blair’s head. Then he looked his fill at the tantalisingly soft mat of hair covering Blair’s chest, his shoulders surprisingly wide despite his lack of padding. And his smile grew as he noted the cinnamon-coloured nipples beginning to pebble in nervous anticipation; just begging for his attention. 

“You’re beautiful, babe,” he breathed, smoothing his hands down Blair’s arms and then up his sides to settle around the slender waist. “Don’t ever think that you’re not. Just because you don’t look like me, that doesn’t make you unattractive. Far from it, in fact. You’re perfect, babe. Just like I thought you would be. Can I?” and he slipped his fingers inside the waistband of Blair’s shorts, asking permission to complete the undressing process. 

Swallowing hard, Blair nodded, tacitly granting it as he watched Jim’s actions in wide-eyed amazement. Was it true? Did Jim really think he was OK after all? Gods, he prayed it was so. 

And then he was naked, and Jim was studying him raptly, with absolutely no sign of any sort of disdain or disappointment. Perhaps it was going to be all right after all. 

Before Blair could get uncomfortable again, Jim quickly stripped off his own clothes and reached in to turn on the water. As soon as it was at a comfortable temperature, he took Blair’s hand and led him in, just letting the water run over them both for a while until he thought that the younger man was relaxed enough. And then he reached for the shower gel and sponge and began to wash Blair carefully and considerately, rather than intentionally arousing for the moment. Tacitly requesting permission to wash his partner’s hair, he thoroughly enjoyed running his sentinel-sensitive fingers through the short, silky curls, highly gratified when the smaller man purred in contentment at the almost hedonistic experience. He finished off by helping Blair shave, and then grinned happily at the finished article. It was indeed true, and Blair looked wonderful, eyes bright and skin clean and gleaming in the moist heat of the shower. 

And then it was his turn, and he smiled in pleasure as Blair reverently reciprocated, until the water started to run cold and they both grinned and stepped out as one, drying each other off as they shared appreciative glances. 

Wrapping themselves in the robes Marisol had provided, they moved to the bedroom to retrieve fresh clothes, only for Jim to turn Blair to face him again. 

“I know we don’t have time for what I’d really like to do right now, seeing as your Mom’ll be back soon, but I want you to know that I want to make love to you, babe. When I told you I loved you, I meant it. I know you probably still have some doubts about me, because I admit that I’ve always considered myself to be straight, but thanks to the military and my stint in Vice, I’m not exactly ignorant about male / male lovemaking. And when I think of you, I don’t think of you as another man, _per se_. You’re you. You’re Blair Sandburg, my guide and love of my life, and for me, that’s more than enough. Does that work for you?” 

Blair regarded him thoughtfully, his mobile features reflecting his shift from vague uncertainty to shy pleasure. 

“That’s fine by me, Jim,” he murmured. “I mean, I’ve always agreed with Naomi’s belief that it’s the person not the package that’s important, so I’ve never had a problem with admiring a beautiful woman or a studly man. But I admit that I’ve mostly dated women because I’ve always been a bit nervous of letting another guy get the upper hand. But I trust you not to hurt me, man. And as far as the ‘package’ is concerned, I couldn’t wish for better,” and he grinned cheekily, his affectionate, deliberately lecherous leer making Jim chuckle in response. 

“Then we’re on the same page, babe, and just wait until we get back on our own turf. I’m going to rock your world, Chief! But how about a proper kiss for starters?” 

And Blair was so down with that.  


\--------------------------  


It seemed like no time at all until Naomi was back, greeting them gaily as she entered the cottage. And if her knowing grin widened as she took in her son’s flushed face and kiss-swollen lips, she made no comment. Not immediately, anyway. 

“Hello boys!” she called, laughing inwardly at their faintly uncomfortable body language. “Am I too early? I can always take a stroll around the garden?” 

She was immediately assured by both men that no, everything was just fine, so she took them at their word and settled herself at the kitchen table. 

Gazing at them affectionately – and knowingly – she held out her hands, inviting them to join her. 

When all three were comfortably seated, she looked from one to the other and held out her hands for them to take. 

“Sweetie, Jim, I’m not going to question what’s happening between you. I think I have a good idea, and I don’t want to make you feel at all uncomfortable. I realise that you’ve both come to an understanding, and I’m so happy for you. For _both_ of you. And because of that, I want to tell you what I’ve decided. 

“I freely admit I’ve had a really hard time processing what I did. I had no idea – not even an inkling – that I was doing wrong. But I found out soon enough that I had acted both thoughtlessly and unforgivably. And that’s been very hard to come to terms with. 

“But seeing you here now - seeing how very much you really love my son, Jim – I’m beginning to feel as if I can finally forgive myself a little. 

“As soon as I knew Blair needed me, I was determined to do whatever I could to help undo the damage I did. But now I truly believe that everything has happened for a reason. You are together now as you were always meant to be, so I feel that I can finally accept everything after all. I did a stupid thing, thinking that I was doing right by Blair, and it couldn’t have been worse. But I believe now that you will both be fine despite that. 

“So, I just wanted to tell you that when you go back to Cascade, I’ll be moving on too. This place – this Eden – has done what I hoped it would do for both me and for Blair. I’m not ‘healed’ exactly. I’ll never fully forgive my interference – but I feel as if I can now move on. And I’ve decided to go to Big Sur for a while. Marisol and Fernando completely understand, and I’m going to meet up with Charlie. You remember Charlie Spring?” and she smiled when they both nodded in tandem, recalling the bouncy little psychic. 

“So, that’s what I intend, boys. Or should I say, ‘my sons?’ And I would really like to come visit you in Cascade before too long, once you’re settled?” 

Of course, both men had no trouble at all assuring her that she would be very welcome anytime, so it was a very happy and relaxed trio who spent the next few hours discussing their plans and making the appropriate arrangements to take the next steps in their lives.  


\----------------------------  


**Two days later:**  


Jim grinned wryly at the young man in the seat next to him, who was almost vibrating with nervous anticipation. They were preparing to land at SeaTac airport, having chosen to fly to Seattle rather than directly to Cascade. It was Jim’s suggestion, because it would be a lot closer to St Sebastian’s, and after contacting Brother Jeremy, they had arranged to be picked up by the monastery bus. The idea was for them to collect Blair’s Volvo and then drive together back to Cascade. 

Reaching over to place a warm hand on Blair’s jiggling knee, he smiled when the younger man glanced apologetically at him. “Calm down, babe,” he murmured. “I know you’ve never liked flying that much, but it’s not that bad, is it? Or is it just the landing part?” 

Blair grinned sheepishly in response. “I’m sorry, Jim. It’s not the flying, really. I’m just having difficulty getting my head around the fact that I’m here. With you, and on my way home. I just never thought I’d ever be able to do that, and it’s sort of mind-blowing. In a good way!” he added, smiling shyly into Jim’s approving gaze. 

“I understand, babe. And I admit it’s pretty mind-blowing for me too. After the way I’ve treated you in the past, it’s more than I deserve, but I know we can make this work. Your Mom was right. As was that friend of yours, Black Eagle – and Marisol. We do belong together, and I’m not fighting it anymore.” 

Blair’s smile was soft and tender as he looked into Jim’s cornflower blue eyes. “That’s a lovely thing to say, man, and I promise that I won’t walk out on you ever again. At least, not unless you tell me to!” 

“And that’s not going to happen, babe. You know I’ve put your name on the lease for the loft, so there’ll never be any throwing you out of your own home again. You’re a permanent fixture now, and I wouldn’t have it any other way!” 

Blair’s smile grew even brighter at that, and he was still beaming at Jim as they touched down. It was going to be OK. He was going home with the man he loved, and he couldn’t have been happier.  



	11. Epilogue

**Part 11: Epilogue:**  


**Six months later, MCU bullpen:**  


Glancing over to where Jim Ellison was sitting, a small, self-satisfied grin on his face, Megan nudged Joel as she stage-whispered, “Hey, Joel. Our Jimbo looks as happy as a dingo with two tails! Y’think he’s expecting a visitor?” 

Her sometime partner chuckled in response. “I think you could be right, Megs. Wonder who it could be?” and they laughed conspiratorially together as Jim shook his head, his soft snort of mild exasperation not in the least indicative of affront. He knew very well that there was no malice in the pair, and besides, his friends were correct. His partner and now lover had indeed entered the building, and even now was in the elevator making his way up to Major Crimes, chatting animatedly with Susan the do-nut girl, who was riding with him. 

Mere minutes later, he breezed into the bullpen like a mini whirlwind, greeting folks on his way over to Jim’s desk, only to be intercepted by Megan who stood to halt his progress. Resting her hands on his shoulders, she grinned down at him. 

“My, Dr Sandburg! Don’t you look smart! You look edible, Sandy!” 

Blair blushed fetchingly, peeking up at her from beneath his lashes. “Aw shucks, Megs,” he replied bashfully. “Less of the ‘Doctor Sandburg’, OK? I’m still so new to it, it sounds weird. And the monkey suit’s because I have to appear in court this afternoon. I’m doing my ‘expert witness’ shtick in the Brandon trial, so I’ve got to look the part.” 

Sobering immediately, Megan nodded understandingly. “Yeah, I heard about that, Sandy. But if anyone’s testimony can help put away that bloody murdering paedo creep, it’ll be yours, love. And I hope he gets life!” 

Then she grinned again. “Anyhow, Sandy, what I really wanted to ask you was if you and Jimbo fancy coming over to my place on Sunday for a barbie? Steak, beer and shrimp. As much as you can eat! The rest of the gang are coming, so how about it?” 

“Sounds good to me, Megs,” Blair replied enthusiastically. “What’s the occasion? Have I missed something?” he added worriedly. 

She laughed and shook her head. “No, Sandy. It’s not my birthday or anything. But it is a celebration of sorts. It’s the anniversary of my arriving in Cascade for the Officer Exchange Programme. And you _still_ haven’t got rid of me yet!” 

Blair’s smile was wide and bright as he reached up to offer her a kiss on the cheek. “And I hope we never do!” he said sincerely. Then, turning to grin over at Jim, he called, “You OK with that, Jim? We don’t have any other plans, do we?” 

“Nah, not that I know of, Chief. So yes, Megs, we’ll be there. Want us to bring anything?” 

“Just yourselves, Jimbo, although extra beer might be an idea. I’ve got some tinnies in, but maybe not enough?” 

“Fair enough, Megs, beer it is,” Jim answered. “So, how about letting our newest consultant go so he can get on with some work? I’ve got just the thing to keep him happy,” and he chuckled wickedly, eyeing up the pile of paper in his in-tray. 

“Gee, Jim, you’re all heart!” snarked Blair as he turned back towards his lover’s desk with a final wink and grin for Megan, who was snickering unrepentantly at the pair’s antics. “As it happens, I have my own report to finalise first, but after that, well, you might just get lucky.” 

And as he reached Jim’s desk, he suddenly realised what he’d said, and blushed from neck to hairline again even as Jim caught the unmistakable burst of pheromones that enhanced his partner’s delectable scent. Containing his own mirth with difficulty, Jim simply nodded and murmured, “Oh yeah, babe. Tonight for sure!” and he nonchalantly pulled a file towards him to give his lover a chance to get himself back under control. An embarrassed Blair was a delight to behold, and Jim thoroughly enjoyed the vision, although for his lover’s sake he had no intention of exacerbating the situation here in the open bullpen. 

But as he had said already; tonight, for sure, and he knew without a trace of doubt or vanity that Blair was going to enjoy it too. 

The pair worked side by side in amicable silence for a while, and Jim indulged himself unashamedly in soaking up the beneficial effects of his lover’s presence. Glancing over at the younger man, he thoroughly appreciated the sight knowing that Blair was his and his alone, just as he belonged only to Blair. The young man did indeed look edible, the formal suit showing off his trim figure to its best advantage, even though Jim knew very well that Blair still preferred his comfortable flannel when he could get away with it. His curls had grown out some, but Blair had decided against letting his hair get as long as previously, realising that his new position required that he make an effort to appear more sober and respectable. However, they still haloed his head, and the effect was incredibly attractive to his besotted partner even though sometimes Jim lamented the loss of the long locks of the past. 

Appreciating the overall effect of Blair’s appearance, and certain that the jury that afternoon would be equally impressed, Jim let his mind wander for a while as he pondered on the events and achievements of the past six months since Blair returned to the loft.   


\---------------------------  


When the two weary men had arrived back at #307, Jim had thought that it was almost anti-climactic for Blair, who was desperately tired after long hours at the wheel. However, once through the open door, Blair had stood stock still for a long moment, greedily taking in his surroundings. And as Jim watched, he grew visibly more alert and happier, which was the effect Jim had hoped for. Because the loft intentionally looked the same as when Blair last saw it, all his knickknacks and personal touches in place, including all the other things that he hadn’t bothered to unpack after being thrown out of the loft so many months ago now. Jim wanted him to see it as truly his home, and it seemed as if his plans had worked. 

Turning to face Jim, his eyes wide and sheened with tears of pure joy, Blair had hugged him hard. “Oh, man! It looks good Jim. Really good. Thank you, so much! Now I really feel as if I’m home at last!” 

And a hugely relieved Jim had hugged him back for all he was worth. “That’s good, babe. That’s just what I hoped you’d feel. And if it’s not too soon to mention it, I’d love it if you’d share the big bedroom from now on? We can decide on what to do with your old room later. A study, perhaps? Whatever. I just want you to know that I won’t push you for anything you’re not ready for, just as long as I get to hold you in bed. It might only be a couple of nights as yet, but I’m addicted to your presence already!” 

Jim grinned inwardly then as he recalled what had happened next. Blair had shyly reached up and pulled Jim’s head down for a kiss, then had murmured, “I’d love to share your bed, Jim. I’ve wanted it for so long, but never thought it would happen. And if you want, I’m more than happy to try it out for size now?” he finished hopefully. 

And that’s exactly what they had done. Taking Blair’s hand, Jim had led him upstairs, and reverently undressed his slightly nervous but willing guide. And after lying him down in the centre of the big bed, Jim had proceeded to map him thoroughly as he had wanted to do for an age, his senses revelling in the experience as he looked, touched, sniffed, listened and tasted the beautiful body to his heart’s content. 

Although they didn’t achieve actual penetration that time, they had still enjoyed a mutual climax that had shaken them both with its heat and intensity. And in the aftermath, as they cuddled together in a thoroughly sated tangle of limbs, both knew that a connection had been formed between them such as they’d never known before, and would never know again. They were one, and they were content.  


\-------------------------  


After that blissful homecoming, things happened quickly, and neither man had had the time or inclination to dwell on the events of the past. Securing their future together was what counted now – or, more specifically, Blair’s future – and that’s what they concentrated on. 

By mutual agreement, they had kept their personal relationship quiet, simply because as far as they were concerned, what they got up to in the privacy of their own home was nobody’s business but theirs. They were well aware that their closer friends no doubt had their own opinions, but they felt no need to confirm their suspicions, even though Jim insisted that he wouldn’t lie about it if asked outright. Neither of them was ashamed of their love for each other after all, but for some, like Simon for instance, what he didn’t know officially, he didn’t have to act on when it came to regulations regarding the partners riding together. 

Because that was one of the first things the pair had needed to do: confirm Blair’s acceptance of the official consultant’s position that had been waiting for him on his return. 

Jim knew that his guide had been apprehensive about returning to the PD after everything that had gone before, especially after he had disappeared so abruptly from the Seattle Police Academy. However, despite his nervousness, he had been at first surprised and then thrilled at the warmth of his reception by nearly everyone he encountered. Yes, there would always be some detractors who never could understand why he was there in the first place, but they were relatively few and far between, and knew better than to voice their negative opinions in public. Especially when sentinel ears could pick them up so easily and an irate Detective Ellison acted swiftly to show them the errors of their ways. 

It seemed like no time at all until Blair had settled into his new role, throwing himself headlong into his work with his typical enthusiasm. And when he began to have positive results on his own account almost from the get-go, as well as backing Jim up once again in the field, there were few who resented his presence. Instead, his ever-growing body of admirers included a rather smug Simon Banks as well as the Chief and Commissioner, and Jim’s pride in his partner’s progress was clear for all to see. 

As for Jim himself, he was quite happy with the small amount of voluntary information that had been disseminated about his sensory ‘edge’ and Blair’s role in utilising it, because no one, even TPTB seemed to have any adverse interest in or intention of questioning what was in effect an open secret. As long as the pair’s results and stats kept improving, no one in their right mind was going to complain. 

And as far as Jim was concerned, the icing on the cake had come about just three months ago, when Eli and Jack Kelso’s unremitting lobbying finally bore fruit, and the Board of Governors at Rainier accepted Chancellor Edwards’ culpability in illegally leaking the contents of Blair’s paper and causing such distress to the grad student and by extension, to the PD. Although not prepared to reinstate Blair to his teaching post, even if he’d wanted it, they agreed to allow him to present and defend the sentinel paper as long as it was thereafter locked away and he made no effort to look for tenure once his degree was confirmed. 

And that suited Blair completely, since it meant that his hard work was vindicated and appreciated, even if by only a select few. Including Jim, of course, who would retain the only other copy for his own personal use. Blair had never had any intention of trying to reconnect with the U after the way he’d been treated, and the fact that his doctorate was granted quietly and without ceremony mattered not one whit to him. As he explained to Jim, he had never had any reason to attend formal award ceremonies anyway, since Naomi had never been around to see him, so this was nothing new. 

On the other hand, Jim and his colleagues at the PD had had no intention of letting the occasion pass without some sort of celebration, and Blair had been thrilled with the surprise party held in his honour. He was exactly where he wanted to be, and he finally had those three letters after his name, so what was there not to like?  


\----------------------------  


Breaking off his reverie, Jim suddenly realised that Blair was watching him, a tiny, knowing grin lifting the corners of his delectable lips. 

“You OK, man?” his lover questioned gently. “You looked really deep in thought there. Thought for a minute you were zoning on me!” 

Jim chuckled sheepishly, saying, “Yeah, I guess I was, Chief. Deep in thought, that is. But nothing bad, I assure you! But I didn’t realise how much time’s gone by. Do you have to leave for the courthouse soon?” 

Blair shrugged, a brief grimace pulling at his attractive features. “Yeah, I suppose I should make a move. But perhaps we can grab a bite of lunch first?” he added hopefully. 

“Sure, I’m down with that!” Jim replied with alacrity. “How about stopping off at Barney’s Bar on the way to the courthouse? You can build up your strength for this afternoon’s fray. Not that I think you’ll have any problems during the trial, babe,” he added softly. “You’ll knock ‘em dead, and that bastard’ll go down for sure!” 

Blair pinked in pleasure, his partner’s confidence in him boosting his self-esteem no end. 

“Well, come on then. Let’s go and eat!” he replied, and they rose in accord to grab their coats and leave the bullpen, chatting amicably until they reached the elevators. 

However, once in the car, and finding themselves alone, Jim quickly pulled the smaller man to him, and kissed him thoroughly. Looking down into the beautiful, flushed face, he snickered, “Been wanting to do that all morning, babe. Just to give you a hint of what to expect tonight!” 

And Blair grinned up at him; his eyes alight with happiness and adoration. “Can hardly wait, my sentinel! Bring it on, that’s what I say. Love you so much man!” 

And as Jim threw back his head, laughing in pure, unaffected joy, the elevator doors opened and they emerged into the parking garage, Jim’s arm wrapped around his lover’s shoulders. 

They were indeed exactly where they wanted to be, and life was good.  


**The End**   



End file.
